Daddy issues
so my dads death has been alot harder on me than i thought it would. and i’ve not blogged about it really because i’ve been trying to sort things out in my head before i put it all down here. we weren’t close. everyone knew this. we both knew it. and i honestly for some crazy reason thought that my dad dying wasn’t gonna be a huge life changing ordeal for me when it happened. i couldn’t have been more wrong. i some how forgot that hello, i’m human. and yeah, he’s my dad. its gonna hurt. alot. and its not so much regret or guilt…we made our peace and had the best relationship we could have had the past year. but its moreso just the fact that he’s gone. i wont hear him play his guitar anymore..Nettie will never hear him play….he wont be at our christmas functions anymore…i wont see him when i go home to visit anymore…he’s really actually gone. 2 weeks ago it finally did hit me and i sobbed my eyes out for a while. and after that i felt alot better but the pain is still there. i guess its the fact that i’ve lost a parent…the person thats responsible for my being here…i’ve never lost someone so closely related to me before and i just had no idea how it would impact me. then i got even more upset because i looked for hours for pictures of me and my dad or my dad and Nettie and i came up with like 3 of me and him, 2 from my wedding and one of him and Nettie when she was 2 months old. that made me so sad because i couldn’t believe that i didn’t have more pictures of him with us. and i have to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault that our relationship was the way it was and thats why i didn’t have tons of pictures. and that in itself upsets me because i guess him being gone means that there’s no more chances to work further on us. its just like we were going 100 mph down this road to improvement and then all of a sudden the road drops off suddenly into a ravine. he died so suddenly with no time for anyone to say anything to him before he went. and i’m just glad i told him i loved him when i did. still wish i could have one last time before he went into surgery. it’s gonna take some time to heal, i’ve now realized. i’ve never had a death impact me so much…its all new to me.
10 Responses to Daddy issues
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you are so healthy! i have never lost anyone close to me, so i can’t say I know how you feel. I am as empathetic as I can be. i can’t imagine losing a close family member.
you seem to be dealing very normally.
I also wanted to say how cute and young you and Hubs looked on your wedding day! so beautiful!
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I know I said this before but I think it’s the most important thing. He knew you loved him. Just remember that.
Look at you in that photo! So young!
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Oh, Becky. I’ve never lost a parent and I can’t imagine. The closest person I have lost was my college boyfriend. He was killed in Iraq. We had been broken up for years, but were still friends. It shocked me, too, how much his death affected me. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’re able to grive with those who love you.
P.S. How cute are you in your wedding pic!!!
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thanks beth.i appreciate that and yeah i was only 20 when i got married!
thanks alison!
thanks alex!!!!!
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It’s so NATURAL that you are feeling this way, like you said you’re only human. Just hold all those memories you of him and charish them forever; Nettie has you to talk to her about her grandpa and tell her all about him… I think you’re dealing with all this in a healthy way… the healing process will take some time, but it’s all part of life.
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thank you so much loren
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I am so glad that you were able to make peace with him this year.
And losing a parent is probably the hardest thing a person can go through (next to losing a child). When my FIL died a few years ago, I went through a lot of the emotions you are feeling, and watched my husband grieve (he still grieves) for a Dad he would never see again, even though their relationship was not as ideal as we would’ve hoped. Eventually you let go of all that, and just miss the person. And you miss them forever and you learn that you have a “new normal” to get used to.
Big hug to you Becky! And your wedding picture of all 3 of you is so beautiful!
Carri
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It’s good that it’s coming out now. Trapping in inside will just eat away at you. It’s something that you are goin to have to deal with and cry about and mourn. And with all that will come healing.
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oh, Becky, i’m so sorry to hear this news. i am trying to catch up on your blog.
my dad died almost 3 years ago. it’s really hard to lose a family member.
be glad that things were on good terms before the end. that’s really great.
every day gets easier, i promise it does. but you’ll probably still cry years from now. i still cry sometimes. it sort of just becomes part of who you are. you will get to a point where you just wish you could call them on the phone, but you can’t. you’ll just miss them a whole lot on occasion. i dont’ think it ever goes away. it can be hard. but you sound like you’re doing well at grieving normally and healthily (is that a word??).
and yeah, talking about it can help. so keep posting about it if you need to.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
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what an amazing picture for you to remember him by though!! Parental relationships dont have to be perfect for you to miss them when they aren’t here any longer. You are human-you are grieving for someone that was a part of your life-good and bad.
XOXOXOXO
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