i recently pretty much lost a friend of mine. and it hurts so badly. we’ve been friends for years. so so close. and slowly she started to be distant until we barely talked at all. after ignored emails and phone calls from me, out of the blue she emailed me and explained why she’s been absent. the list of reasons killed me. they had nothing to do with me…in fact they shocked me as they had to do with personal choices she had made that i never knew about. it turns out that i never really knew her at all. she had lived a double life for pretty much our whole friendship. and now i’m heartbroken. i feel like i’ve lost a limb….or like a family member…or something else that’s big like that. i have such a huge hole in my life. i got that explanation back in january and slowly i’m getting used to the idea that i’ll never have her back. at least not how she was before because now my eyes are opened to the truth. we say a couple words to eachother now and then but really our friendship is pretty non existant. and i think she wants it that way. she feels like she doesn’t deserve me. she’s made herself a martyr. it’s probably better that we aren’t friends…but it doesn’t change the fact that i miss her, that i’m sad, that she won’t be a huge part of Nimmie’s life like she was of Nettie’s. Nettie still asks about her and i don’t know how to even explain it. the whole situation just sucks. and there’s nothing i can do about it except deal with it and move on.