today marks 2 years since my dad died. 2 years since he’s been gone. 2 years and 1 month since we last talked. and it’s still so freakin confusing to me. it’s so hard to mourn someone when you aren’t sure how you felt about then when they were alive. when my dad was alive i was pretty much bitter towards him. i was nice to him when i saw him but he wasn’t someone that i thought about a lot. he wasn’t to me like how my mom is to me. and i’ve blogged a lot about my dad in the past…my issues about him. that last talk we had sorta sealed the deal. i was angry with him for the things he said but i felt peace that i finally got to tell him what i thought about things he did in life. i felt closure. we said i love you before we hung up. then he died. and i realized that maybe he wasn’t ALL that bad…i remembered a lot of good times…a lot of fun times that i totally blocked out when he was alive because i was so angry. and after he died, i didn’t have to be angry anymore. i could just let it go and really dwell on the good times. i mean, why dwell on the bad times now? i still won’t ever forget the crappy things he did/said. but it’s sorta moot now, right? i dunno. all i know is that my dad was always a thunder stealer from anyone around him. and i think that was just his personality. he was the youngest of 9 kids. he was always babied. he had a beautiful singing voice and played the guitar so awesomely–awesome sense of humor…he just stole the thunder anywhere he went. i admired that about him. so now it doesn’t surprise me at all that he died on my birthday. it totally fit him. that day when i got the news i was devasted and in shock. and then a few weeks later when the dust settled i sat there and sorta giggled about it and told him that it figures he’d die on one of his kid’s birthday- because from that day on, every year when my birthday comes, much like today, i will sit and think “today is the day dad died” before i think “today is my birthday”.

miss you dad.