Only in my dreams
I’ve mentioned Crappy Friend a few times on here. The reality is that I think about her everyday. If you’re new to my blog and don’t feel like reading back (although that link right there will catch you up pretty quick) the quick story is that we were best friends for 6 years. Inseperable. Had lunch every week. Hung out on the weekends sometimes. She was at all of Hannah’s birthday parties and other big family events. She helped plan my baby shower with Hannah. She was just the ever present friend and actually more like a sister to me. My family accepted her as family. Her family accepted me as family. Then one day she just sorta drifted. Started cancelling our lunches. Bailed on Hannah’s recitals and birthday parties with shitty excuses. After a year of this, she finally told me that she was too deep into drugs and a bad life with her abusive boyfriend and she had to go her own way, more or less. And since then I’ve heard from her maybe once or twice. That was a year ago. Someone that I used to talk to everyday and see at least once a week I’ve now heard from twice in 365 days.
Last I saw her was in July. She begged to come over and this was way out of the blue. I hadn’t even heard from her in months. I told her I didn’t want her to come over if she wasn’t going to be cleaned up and around again because Hannah truly missed her and I didn’t want to confuse Hannah. She assured me that she had seen the light and got away from her crazy boyfriend and her life was going to be better. She seemed so excited so I let her come over. She saw Hannah. Held the baby. I was leery the whole time even though I really just wanted to hug her forever and tell her how much I had missed her. She looked gorgeous and was so happy and I really thought that was it. Things were gonna be better. SHE was going to be better.
But I was wrong.
They weren’t better. See, after that day, I never heard from her again. That was 6 months ago. No text. No phone call. No email. Nothing. I’ve tried all those methods to reach her. She’s ignored me. Her mother emailed me and told me her daughter missed me and that she was alive but back with the old boyfriend. That was a few months ago. I’ve heard nothing since.
This is like a really REALLY bad break up. I’ve actually never had a break up as hard as this in my life. I miss her so much. I think about her every single day. I dream about her probably about once a month or so. And most of the dreams are the same…the same one I had last night. I see her…either by mistake or planned…but everytime I hug her and cry and tell her I miss her and I’m so happy to see her. And she looks beautiful and she’s so happy to see me too. And everytime I wake up and realize it didn’t happen and I’m let down again. I know she’s in a bad place. I get that. I just want so badly for her to clean up and come back. She had a great life before all of this. She’s a brilliant writer. She’s wasting it all away and there’s nothing I can do.
Will I ever get over this? Will there be a day when I DON’T think about her? That I DON’T miss her?
And so I dream about her. I probably dream about her more consistently than anything else. I miss her so much it aches sometimes. It’s like she died. Like I lost a close family member without any closure. I miss her so much. And I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change her. All I can do is dream.
13 Responses to Only in my dreams
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Oh Becky honey ( I never call anyone that, but it seemed right) I am so sorry you are hurting like this.
This is EXACTLY how things were/are with my real sister. Exactly. It’s so effing hard. What I had to do was let go, and know when she got into a place where she could be a better person, or if she needed me to help her, she would come back to me. If your bond with this chick is that strong, she will be hoping and praying for your friendship. The thing is, it may never be the same, I don’t know.
I have gotten back in touch with my sister, but I am leary. So, sometimes if it hurts you too much to hold on, you have to let go. If this is messing you up really bad, just try to focus on the facts. It’s not b/c of you, you are a great friend. I know it doesn’t help feeling like your BFF has died, but you need some sort of closure if this is consuming you, ya know?
UGH it’s tough. Really tough. I fucking hate drugs and shitty boyfriends. (Which became my sister’s husband, OH JOY.)
I probably did not help you at all and just took up a bunch of space.
Love you girl. Hugs.
Lu´s last blog ..It’s an Award YAY!
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I’m not sure you will ever “get over it”. you miss her, she was like family. like sisters as you say. How could you get over a loss like that. She needs help. The best thing for her would be for someone to report her boyfriend and for her to get into rehab, but if she’s not willing then it probably wouldn’t work. You could talk to her mother, try to help intervene to get her into rehab so that she can get straight and reflect on her life with a clear head. This however is a lot of work and can be emotionally draining. It’s your call. I don’t think she is a “crappy friend”. The situation is crappy, it sucks. However, once drugs are involved the person is no longer the person you knew. It changes them and for them to be there for you means finding themself again first. I hope she finds herself and her way back to you. I really do sweetie.
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I always relate to this topic when you write about it. I have written a lot about how I was a bad friend to my best friend and his wife after they got pregnant and had a baby. I didn’t have drug issues or abusive boyfriend problems, but I was jealous and selfish and I just felt out of place. And as much as I wanted to reach out to my friends, I was scared that I screwed up too badly and my friends would reject me. In the end, when I had the guts to apologize and be sincere about it and commit to show up, they forgave me.
I guess my point is if she TRULY gets her crap together and crawls back, maybe you can keep a little place in your heart for her. I always find it hard to completely shut the door on anyone no matter how much they messed up. Until then, I guess you just have to go on and grieve the loss. And we all know how much those losses hurt. HUGS
Karen´s last blog ..Goodbye Food Network
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Oh, Becky, I’m so sorry you are hurting and I wish I could give you a real life hug but instead I’ll send you many, many virtual hugs.
Breakups with friends suck, more than relationship breakups I think. I had a bad friend break up years ago. I still think about her. I ended the relationship because I saw that it was bad for me, but I also saw that if she straightened out we could have stayed friends. It doesn’t hurt like it used to. I have other friends who have filled in her place in my life. But I still think about her and wonder “what if”.
Maybe one day your friend truly will get her act together and this will all just be a speed bump in your past. If that doesn’t happen, then know that one day it won’t hurt as much, I promise.
Lisa´s last blog ..Fun Activities for Those Long Winter Days
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First a big hug. It hurts when someone you love is hurting too and you feel so powerless. Just keep her in your thoughts, sending out those positive vibes.
Katie (aka Kekibird)´s last blog ..A Relationship Q & A
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This is a tough one and I feel for you on it. There’s nothing you can do to make your friend come back. (And, in fact, even if you could, I’m not sure you’d want your friendship to feel forced.) What you can do is remind your friend every once in a while that you miss her. That you’re there for her when she’s ready to clean up. That you will always welcome her back into your life. Sometimes, people aren’t ready to change, but when they are, it’s a bit easier knowing they have support and something to look forward to.
SoMi’s Nilsa´s last blog ..Repardoned
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I am so sorry for you and for your friend, I can’t imagine what it is like to have drugs take hold of you like that. There isn’t anything you can do to help her. Users have to help themselves and WANT to be clean.
You might not ever stop hurting, but I think it’s best to move on as much as you can, and like above commenter said, keep a little piece of your heart open for her should she ever make the changes necessary to become a real friend again.
(Hugs)
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Oh I forgot to say I really like the new header.
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I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you – the wondering, the worrying, the not knowing. Having a big fight & ending the friendship would almost be easier.
I’m sorry. *hugs*
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I think that it is worse then if she had died, because when someone dies, you feel the pain of the loss of them, but you don’t normally feel like they have left you just out of spite.
This makes you feel like you are/were not ever as important to her as she was to you and that is a very painful rejection. I so totally know how you feel as I have a few people in my past that have “ditched” my friendship without a care and it hurts horribly.
I send you all my love and hugs and good wishes!
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take that times a hundred and you’ll understand why i just can’t get over whatshisname….
people suck. glad we have eachother
maura´s last blog ..CF: hey if u get to a phone I would like to talk to you
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I had a high school friend that just kind of stopped calling or hanging out with me towards the end of our senior year. I haven’t talked to her, or seen her, in 10 years. Every now and again something will remind me of her and I’ll wonder how she’s doing, I’ve even looked for her on Facebook with no luck. You may never forget your friend, but eventually you won’t think of her as often. (Or maybe that’s just me!)
AmazingGreis´s last blog ..HORNS up…
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I have that friend. Or, should I say, I HAD that friend. I wrote about her a little while back. I miss her in a way I can’t begin to explain. I dream about her, and I wish things were different.
But the thing is, they aren’t. They are the way they are. They say people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I always thought my friend was a lifetime sort of person, for me. But addiction changes people – changes their priorities and the way they act, and the things they choose.
I do hope your friend cleans up, truly. But in the meantime, enjoy her in your dreams.
Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..At Least One of us is Laughing
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