Tomorrow is my birthday. I won’t be blogging tomorrow. I usually do blog on my birthday but I think this year I’m gonna take a break from it. Every year for the past 3 years my birthday has been bittersweet. I’ve always loved my birthday. I think celebrating birthdays is so awesome. A lot of people don’t like to make big deals out of their birthdays and I’ve never been able to understand that. You should celebrate. It’s another year you’ve been alive and another year you’ve added to your story. It’s not always been an easy life for me and yet, each year, I was always excited for my birthday. 3 years ago I was excited for it too. Except that when I woke up that morning, I had no idea that 3 hours later I would get a phone call that my dad had died suddenly in surgery. It was such a blow and I was in denial about it for weeks. I drove home to Ohio. I went to his funeral. I buried my dad. Then I got angry for a while thinking about everything I missed out on because of his mistakes. Then I got sad. And I blogged this on his birthday a few months ago. And since then I’ve dreaded tomorrow. Except I was fine all week long. I was actually excited for my birthday. My girls were being so cute at home…being so sweet to eachother and making me feel so full of love…full of life.

I got to work this morning and the girls at work “decorated” for my big day, Justin  Bieber style. Total gag as I don’t like Justin Bieber. I mean, I don’t NOT like him but I’m not a crazed fan or anything like they portrayed me to be.

So I laughed and cut up and got excited again for tomorrow.

Until I opened up this blog to start writing. I planned on writing about how sweet Hannah was to let Livie lay on her and fall asleep and how sweet Livie was to even WANT to go cuddle with Hannah. Hannah was so proud and told me she’d get her to sleep every night if Livie would let her. I sat here and planned to focus on that so I wouldn’t have to think about what I’ve not thought about all week…..

My dad.

But I couldn’t help it. I sat here staring at the screen and thinking about my dad. I read this post and teared up. So I began my yearly tradition since he died of finding pictures to post here and then I got upset again because I have like 5. I know I have some from when I was a kid but recent ones since my wedding…5. That makes me wanna curl up in a ball and cry all day long. I’m so mad at myself for not realizing sooner that he was sick and while he chose drinking, he didn’t choose to hurt me the way he did. He tried…REALLY tried with me and I turned him away. I wrote long letters to him telling him he was a horrible dad. I was mean to him when he called me and told him to quit drinking if he wanted to talk to me. Now he’s gone and I’m left feeling this with no dad to say sorry to. GOSH. I hate this all. The yearly repetition of feeling this way. And I feel like it’s going to get worse before it gets better…before I feel at peace about it.

So, yes, tomorrow is my birthday. And I’ll celebrate with my family because they love me and I’m grateful for another year here on this earth. But at night, when it’s just me and my thoughts, I’ll cry. Because I miss my dad.

And he doesn’t know.