It’s been over 4 months since I’ve written in this space of mine. There was a time when I felt like hitting publish here was something I could do in my sleep and now? Well, it’s become my place to write now and then. I didn’t think I would ever be okay with that but as time as went on, I really truly am. I’m also grateful for those of you who check in and read whenever I do post something.
I’ve been feeling guilty this week. Really, really guilty. For the past few months I’ve been throwing little pity parties for myself over things that other people probably wish were their only problems: family drama…husband working a lot…limited funds for summer activities…etc ETC. Then a couple weeks ago I decided I needed to give it over to God. All of the times in my life where things became clear, or things worked out in the best way for me were times when I leaned on The Lord. The peace and comfort I felt at those times are indescribable and I was mad at myself for even attempting to handle life on my own. It was then, when I surrendered, that things DID become clear as they always have in the past.
What’s ironic about two weeks ago is that I actually looked at this blog and thought man, my last post was about my aunt back in April. My top post is kind of sad on here and now she’s doing so much better and things are looking up in all the areas I spent worrying about all summer. I should post something happy so my top post will be happy because I’m a lot happier now than I was a couple weeks ago.
But I didn’t. I left my top post about my aunt.
Monday afternoon I got a call from my aunt. She’s been given a short time to live. The cancer has taken over in too many ways. She decided to go home and spend the rest of her time with the people she loves in the home she loves. Through both our sobs we talked about the past and I promised her I would see her when I’m back in Ohio in a few weeks. Later that night I remembered this blog and how my last post was about her…and I was sad then. I never updated it to mention how she had beat it just 3 months ago and now it’s back again…for the third time.
I’ve spent this week ridden with guilt…the kind of guilt that literally weighs your chest down. I can’t imagine having to call anyone I love to tell them I’m going to die soon. I can’t imagine knowing that while I knew I was going to be with Jesus, I would be leaving people who needed me behind. I have spent hours and hours consumed with myself and my own problems that are still problems to me because problems are relative but in the grand scheme of things, they are temporary.
My aunt’s peace inspires me. She is so comforted with the thoughts of being in Heaven. I pray I can be that way if I’m ever in her position.
So, through my guilt this week of realizing my priorities needed some serious tending to, I have spent time thinking about the good things I have and reminding myself that I am so very blessed. I pray I remind myself daily to not take things for granted because things can change so fast. Cancer is such a terrible thing and more and more lately good people that I know and/or love are being taken because of it.
My best friend told me this morning that our greatest gift is our health. That is something I needed to hear because she is right. With my mom and my aunt having so many health problems, I need to be even more grateful for my health, The Man’s health, and my girls’ health.
I don’t know what the future holds for any of us. I’ve learned that time is precious and things can and do change in an instant. The only thing we are guaranteed is right now, the present, which we’ve all heard is called that because it IS also a gift.
My heart is still very heavy with sadness, but at the same time it is heavy with gratefulness.
Grateful for health. Grateful for the right now. The present. The gift.