Becky
I got up
After I published that post last week I received emails, tweets, comments, and texts about what I said. Everything was so sweet and encouraging and it’s just what I needed. I forget that there are many of you who read but don’t comment…but you’re out there.
I’m grateful for you.
One of you (hi @ynotkissme!!!) reached out to me on Twitter like 5 seconds after I posted that post to let me know she read it and she was here…but that it was also a little refreshing to know that I have bad days too. Thank you for that. I do have bad days but I don’t usually post about them. I did more when I worked and I just NEEDED that release. These days I’m much more content so I handle the bad better. I do promise though to blog about them more when they come. As Chrisor told me, she knows I’m a real person by my Instagram and Tweets but it was nice to read it in my blog too. Noted. Thank you.
I spent the rest of the week really taking advantage of all the good things in my life, though. I needed it to pick myself back up. Sometimes in bad times I take more photos. Sometimes I don’t. This week was a don’t. I took a good amount on my phone but only 1 on my camera. When weeks like that end I kind of kick myself because I thrive so much on taking photos and editing them…it’s my thing. The ones I did take on my phone though? Priceless.
Livie and her cousin before school last Thursday. They had Easter pictures. These two with all their cute…melt my heart, right?
Same with them. They are my little fashionistas.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB if you want to follow my addiction. Also, welcome to all the new Droid users who got Instagram today.
Ending this quick post with my favorite picture of her in weeks. I promise to catch up soon on my picture taking because all this cute begs to be photographed.
No tears today. Just big, grateful smiles.
I fell
Sometimes when you’re just skipping along making rainbows out of life and looking for silver linings left and right the universe laughs at you and sends something on your happy sidewalk to make you trip and fall flat on your face.
That happened to me last week.
I published this blog post on Tuesday and at that point I was happy and content as I stood up from this computer. The usual things I worry about still loomed in the back of my head like bills and yearly tax payments but those are usual worries to me and nothing that sets me back. But by Thursday? I was on my way to pick up Hannah from horseback riding when the tears started falling. There are a few things that have happened to me in the course of my 30 years that have shook me. Some I’ve blogged about, others I haven’t. It’s a haven’t that tripped me and made me fall. One tear fell as I thought about things and within 5 minutes I was a sobbing hot mess. I kept telling myself to stop crying because I didn’t want Hannah to see me like this and ask me what was wrong. I’m not exactly good with dealing with my feelings. The few terrible things that have happened to me I keep so far back in my head that they rarely have a chance to creep up on me. I never think about them and if I do, I tell myself to stop because I don’t want to go there. It’s totally unhealthy and I realize this. It’s how I function though. It’s how I am able to go on with my life and be happy. It’s how I’m able to be a good mom and wife. It’s necessary for everyone else’s existances, even if it’s not for mine. One day I’ll probably deal with them properly but for now I’m not ready and so because of that I end up driving on the freeway, sobbing like a crazy woman and trying not to smudge my make up in the process because I wanted to look as normal as possible when the tears stopped.
They did stop after about 10 minutes and I looked at myself in my sun visor mirror. I looked mostly ok since I had sunglasses on. I picked Hannah up. I went home and made dinner for my family. I tucked my girls into bed and read my book before I went to bed like every other day. I lied in bed that night and just for a second almost laughed at myself and my ability to just shut away feelings because it’s just easier that way. And then I did just that. I shut them away, closed my eyes, and went to sleep.
I hate Thursday last week. I hate going there. I hate feeling that way. I hate that when I’m the most happy they come out to remind me that I’m not as happy as I think I am.
And yet, I am.
It’s really confusing to me so I can’t imagine how confusing it must be to read.
Typing this is another release…nothing like bawling my eyes out, but a release nonetheless. I think every now and then my heart just wants me to feel…to remind me that I’m NOT numb and that I DO have those feelings. The things that upset me aren’t things that can be fixed. They’re sad memories so I don’t blame myself for not going there.
I guess on Thursday, though, my heart wanted something different so I felt…really felt…and it mostly sucked but kind of felt good too.
Phew.
I almost didn’t want to put this out there but I think it’s necessary that I do. I know it’s ridiculous to think that anyone thinks my life is grand and problem free. I don’t usually blog about the bad things though. This time I am. I also think it’s ridiculous for me to sit and wait for bad things whether they be memories or actual bad things that will happen just because I’m really happy at that moment. Savor the happy and don’t wait for the bad. The bad will come, yes. But after that, good again.
So, how ’bout some good now, yes?
My nephew turned 8 this past weekend and my girls had an amazing time at his birthday party. I took so many pictures at his party that I couldn’t share them all here. These are my favorites.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB if you want to follow me.
Praying for a good week ahead and closing this post happy.
Rainbowy
So, I have to confess that I was feeling rather uninspired to blog today. Yesterday I thought to myself that I would because I’ve edited a lot of good pictures lately and I wanted to share them with you all here. I also realized that it had been almost a week since I blogged last which is unlike me. But when I finally got the time today I sat in front of this computer and sighed. My mind was on a book I wanted to read and a few TV shows I wanted to watch on my DVR. I scolded myself though because I know me well and I knew that once I sat and got the pictures together that I wanted to blog inspiration would smack me in the face like it always does.
So here I am.
HI!
For about 2.5 years now the caption under my blog title has read “Trying to capture life’s rainbows and unicorns.” Most of the time this is so true of me. I may not always say it out loud but when bad things happen I sit there and try to find a silver lining…ANY silver lining…that’ll make it better. Or at least help me handle it better. Move the mountain or move yourself, right? For a better part of my life it was always me moving myself. For the past few years it’s been the mountains bowing out of my way.
I am so grateful for that.
We all have our bad days, yes. Of course we do. But the good days? They outweight the bad by bucketfuls. So when I sat here thinking I didn’t want to blog I knew that the proverbial rainbow and unicorn would appear with each picture that I edited because…well, just look.
My mother in law gave me her camera to get the pictures from their trip off of it. After I looked at them all, I texted her and told her “Y’all are the best grandparents ever.” With each click I smiled bigger and bigger and I found myself saying “Awwww” out loud a few times. My girls are so blessed to have amazing grandparents that do this for them. I mean, they came home happy and talked endlessly for days about how much fun they had. Livie told me for days that she wanted to go back to the lake to ride her pony. I just didn’t know HOW much fun they really had until I looked through the pictures. And so see? This is why I take so many photos. Whether it’s to remember a fantastic trip or to help The Man’s cousin out when she texts me at 10 at night that she needs pictures of her daughter for school and within minutes I was emailing her 10 pictures of her baby…it’s important to me. I was glad my mother in law took those pictures because now I have the memory of it also just as my girls do.
The day they got home looked like this.
They spent days together and didn’t have enough.
This is what I pictured that night years ago when Hannah literally got on her knees at the window in our bedroom and looked up to the sky and begged God to put a baby in her mama’s belly and please make it a girl. I’m pretty sure it’s what God pictured too when he gave her her wish.
If that wasn’t rainbowy enough for you, there’s this.
I said it last week and I meant it. The bluebonnets are kind of a big deal here in Texas and because they’re only out for like a month you have to get pictures at the exact right time or else you’re out of luck. This year Hannah alerted me to the fact that she wasn’t interested in taking bluebonnet pictures and if I made her she would “make faces.” Instead of arguing with her and making her go when I knew we’d argue and it’d ruin the picture perfect image of what I originally imagined of my girls posed perfectly in the flowers, I told her that was fine. Pre-teen angst is no joke y’all. Pick your battles…that’s my motto. So I took Livie out there alone. I will admit that the perfectness wasn’t there either as I imagined because once she saw a grasshopper she lost it and well…we only got a few good pictures with the help of bribery of chocolate if she would be good.
Bribery is my friend. Bribery worked for Hannah. Bribery works for Livie.
Then I snapped this gem. It’s my favorite of the day and since taking it it’s become my phone, iPad, and Facebook wallpaper.
All that was missing was a rainbow over her head. Then again, I see it even if no one else does.
I got her the king sized Hershey bar immediately after.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow my addiction.
In wrapping up this post I realize that this was exactly what I needed right now today. Still loving love, by the way. This post was the cherry on top. Soak up the good to the last drop and when the bad comes know that good is just around the corner.
I love love
I went to a wedding this weekend and I said twice in that night that I love love. I do. I love all kinds of love. I love the way I love my kids. I love the way my kids love me. I love that I still love my husband after almost 14 years together. I love that his family loves me.
And since I love love so much I love weddings. I love seeing two people come together because they love each other and I love the newness and freshness of two lives starting together, especially since it’s been 10 years of marriage for us and I know what they have in store. I love the way family and friends gather for weddings and how everyone is so happy. Love is a beautiful thing and I am in love with love. I truly am. I cry at almost every wedding I go to. I cry at the videos they show at receptions of the bride and groom or of the bride with her dad as was the case this weekend as she danced with her father. It doesn’t matter how close I am to the couple getting married…I cry. It’s such an amazing thing to love someone so much that you’re willing to share your life with them forever. I know not all marriages are forever but even so, on that night when vows are said, in their minds it IS forever and I love that.
I love going to weddings with The Man’s family who is very much so MY family and we have a fantastic night of dancing and laughing together. I never take for granted the relationships I have with his family. I never take for granted the way they love me and love our children and the bonds that have been formed because of this love.
The Man has amazing parents and even though they’re divorced and remarried the step parents are just as amazing and just as much family as I am. His mom and step dad took our babies on a trip this week. Usually it’s Hannah and her cousin that go but this time Livie was finally old enough to get to go too. Hearing her go on and on all weekend about going to the lake with them even though she had no idea what exactly that was was priceless. She knew Hannah was excited and so she was excited too. But when they got there? The pictures and videos have been coming in steadily throughout the 3 days they’ve been gone and each one the kids look so happy. This is Livie’s first trip without me and while I hated that I wasn’t going to be there to photograph the whole entire thing, I looked forward to having some days to myself. Since Monday afternoon our house has been very quiet. I got to read without interruptions. I got to go to the rodeo without kids. We went to dinner without the kids. We went to a movie. We did things we normally would do anyway but without having to find a sitter…well it made it THAT much more fun. I’m home 24/7 with kids and y’all know I adore the life I have now. But we all know moms needs breaks too so I got a mini spring break this week as well. The girls come home today, though, and I’m ready. I’ll be picking them up in a couple of hours and I’ve got my camera ready because I’ve missed their faces. I’ve missed Livie’s cute expressions and baby talk. I’ve missed Hannah’s silly stories and watching her play with her sister. Moms do need breaks, yes, but we love it more when they come back home.
I love loving them and I’m ready to do that today with them with me and not an hour away.
Instagram block from this week so far:
I’m @TheBecksB if you want to follow my addiction.
I noticed the blue bonnets were out already for the spring. I know what we’ll be doing this week. Stay tuned.
Friday Random
I think I have about 6 or 28 posts titled “Friday Random” but that’s okay. Fridays are meant for random and simple blog posts. So here goes.
It rained all day today. It was the kind of rain that was misty and annoying. When I woke up and saw that I immediately thought “Man, I’m so glad it was so perfect for the first part of the week.” We may have not done much with the awesome weather earlier this week but I appreciated it just the same.
We did, however, spend some time outside at Nana’s.
Livie probably said 100 times ” MAMA!! Look at the roses! They’re SOOOO pretty!” Know what else she did 100 times? Use the potty. Our baby is almost done potty training.
The girls rode Hannah’s go kart…VERY slowly.
The kids played hide and seek.
Although mainly it was the 2 big kids hiding from Livie. When she found them? They ran to hide at the next spot.
I got Mr. Mans back yesterday after 2 weeks of not having him. His mom was on vacation and when she walked in the door with him…his smile said it all. He missed me.
I’ve had him for almost 9 months now and he’s definitely helped me handle the fact that we’re done having kids a lot easier than I would have without him. Sweet, tiny man he is.
Instagram block:
We have a yucky, rainy weekend ahead for us. I do have a wedding tomorrow night that I’m looking forward to. Other than that? Lots of cuddling ahead. Happy weekend!
But, I did bake bread
I’m starting off this post with an Instagram block because we took Hannah to the rodeo Sunday to see Big Time Rush and if you’re from Houston or from anywhere around here or if you know me you know that the rodeo is a big deal every year here. I used to only care about going for whatever concert was that night but the past couple years I’ve actually enjoyed watching the bull riding and the barrel racing…all the activities really because Hannah swears she’s going to be in the rodeo one day and I believe her. So I didn’t bring my camera but I DID take pictures on my phone and they’re in this block. Side note: Big Time Rush pretty much sucks and makes me miss NKOTB even more.
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow my addiction.
Since quitting my job 11 months ago life has taken a major change of pace for me. I thought that I’d get up and get ready early and have my whole day to run errands or spend time outside. Some days I do this. Most I don’t. Instead I drag myself out of bed like I always did, get Hannah (or both girls on Tuesdays and Thursdays) off to school, take my time drinking coffee on the couch and make sure that whatever I have planned for the day doesn’t start til at least 10 am.
That is Hannah right before school. 2 things about this picture. 1. I took it BEFORE 10 am which is a stretch for me lately. 2. Look at her. Takes my breath away when I see pictures of her. Looking at her in person compared to looking at pictures is different for me. She looks so grown up. She THINKS she’s grown up half the time but in this moment where she was just writing in her journal until I said it was time to go? Priceless.
It just so happens that on a sunny day right at about 10 am the sun shines through the living room so perfectly that I get amazing photos. It’s even better when Livie is on the couch and the sun shines through that amazing hair of hers. I take pictures of it any time I can.
I had plans yesterday to change it up. I may not have gotten up earlier than necessary or got ready before 10 BUT I was going to do 2 important things with my day. I was going to take Livie to the park because the skies were clear and it was a perfect 75 degrees.
That didn’t happen.
I was going to start potty training Livie. Again.
That mostly happened.
First this happened.
We had to deal with a you-can’t-have-a-Sharpie meltdown first. Then? Smooth sailing.
She only had 2 accidents yesterday. She’s at school today and the latest report from Nana (her teacher) is that she’s had no accidents today. I am so proud of my baby girl and I’m REALLY hoping and praying this is it and that she’ll be potty trained. I wasn’t in a rush for her to be trained but after buying diapers last week on a limited budget I thought ok, enough is enough. She’s 3 and these freakin things cost me $40 a month. Updates on this later this week.
So we didn’t make it to the park BUT, and that is a big but, I did bake bread.
Never in my life did I think I’d ever say those words. I only knew how to bake things out of a box or package. To bake something totally from scratch, bread no less, was never my cup of tea.
Until last week.
My mother in law insisted it was easy with our Deep Covered Baker from Pampered Chef (that I’m super obsessed with btw) so I baked a loaf last week. I made dough and let it rise and baked it and out came pure bread awesomeness.
I ate the whole thing by myself. I wish I was kidding.
So I baked more yesterday and this time I’m sharing it with The Man and other family. Let’s just say it’s the most delicious bread ever and I may or may not slather it in REAL butter.
I also may or may not have gained 3 pounds because of this bread.
Oh and 1 more quick thing before I go finish the Lifetime movie I’m watching…also not kidding about that either….
My baby trees we planted in the summer are getting new leaves!!!! I almost screamed when I noticed this the other day. I watered the crap out of those trees this summer and if you have been reading my blog for a while you know I babied those trees. It paid off. They made it through a season of losing their leaves and now they have buds and new leaves. So happy!
I’m off to finish that movie.
I’m ok with this because I DID go to the store today AND I baked bread. Twice.
(If you want the recipe for the bread email me at becky@lifeoutoffocus.com)
Friday random
After editing the pictures for this post I realized I only had one picture of Hannah and it’s not even one from my camera but an Instagram one. I hate that when I have an abundance of pictures of one kid and not the other. I feel like I’m favoring one over the other and that makes me feel awful and yet it kind of accurately portrays our week. Hannah spends more and more time in her room watching her shows or reading books or playing on her DSi while Livie is always around me. Plus she’s only in school 2 days a week vs. Hannah’s 5. Anyway, after realizing that a few minutes ago I’ll make sure to get more pictures of Hannah this week even if she protests because trust me, picture protesting goes on a lot from both girls. Livie’s just easier to bribe.
I’ll start the random off with more OCD-ness going on.
This is probably the last time I’ll post about this for a while cause I know y’all are all “Ok Becky. We get it. Livie has an obsession with lining her toys up.” Needless to say, it still brings me much amusement and I’ll probably keep taking pictures of it even if I don’t post them here.
I still have coffee with my mother in law every day except now we moved our coffee date to my house twice a week. It’s a nice little change of venue and while we still love going to Nana’s the other days, it’s nice to have Nana come over our house twice a week.
Watching Livie drawing has occupied my time more lately because I’m always curious to see which hand she’s holding her pen in. Sometimes it’s the right. Sometimes it’s the left. I know as time goes it’ll be more left and less right so I keep watching to see when that happens.
Watching her do anything though…kind of my obsession.
There will come a time like with Hannah when if I stare a little too long she’ll give me an annoyed look and say “What, Mom?” so I take advantage of longer glances now while I can.
But, Hannah doesn’t know that I stare a little longer when she’s not looking.
She loves make up.
This morning I finished a compact of powder so I let her have it with a make up sponge and I can’t even tell you in words that do it justice how excited she was. She kept saying things like “MAMA! I look SO pretty!” and “Oooh look! I love make up!” She walked around all day today with that empty compact patting her face with that sponge and talking about how pretty she looked.
Who know an empty compact would be so thrilling?
Friday Instagram:
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow me.
Lastly, this song. I am obsessed with it and have played it about 100 times today. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen.
Have a fantastic weekend!
Subscribe
You Know You Want It
I support
