Hello May!
I realized with all the insanity that was my April that I totally forgot to mention that April 4th marked a year since I quit my job.
Best year of my life, might I add.
I only planned to really stay home from work through the summer so it’s been awesome to be off this long. By the time I start my new job at the church in the fall it would have been a year and a half of not working and that makes me happy. I wish I could stay home and not work forever but I enjoy doing things like eating and having AC in the summer so working part time with perfect hours will be just what we need.
And so it’s May and I’m happy. May is really when summer starts here for us. We don’t really have much of a spring or fall. It’s just summer and, like, kind of winter here. So summer is here and my thoughts have shifted to the beach and the pool and crawfish boils.
We’ve been cooking out the past couple months almost every Sunday. The Man grills steaks and we sit on the patio drinking beer and watching the kids play. I honestly can’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I was just telling The Man as I sat out there yesterday that it’s going to be too hot soon to really enjoy sitting outside. Then I decided that actually, it’s already kind of too hot and that I dread our sauna of a summer here. Then again, last summer was the worst one Houston has seen since 1914 and I loved every second of it, disgustingly hot or not.
So I say yay to May and bring it, Mother Nature. I’m mostly sure I don’t care what kind of summer we have as long as the hurricanes stay away and the Sundays on the patio continue.
Even if our mosquitos are the size of pigeons and I sweat the second I walk out there.
So I DID make sure that I took some pictures this weekend because I’m a slacker and I hate it when I slack. I never regret taking photos. I do regret when I don’t. I am a self saboteur…I should just take pictures all the time so I won’t be mad at myself later.
I also should stop blogging random thoughts so much.
She looked so cute sitting there with that volleyball.
The moment quickly ended after I took these because she almost knocked down everything on our mantle. 3 year olds and volleyballs inside the house don’t mix, FYI.
But this? This is golden. She told me she wanted to watch The Princess and Frog upstairs after we turned on one of our shows downstairs. It was a little too quiet and I found her like this. As I’ve said before, I can never EVER have too many sleeping kid pictures.
Side note: I can’t take away her paci just yet. I realize that she’s 3 and it’s ridiculous that she has one…but she’s my baby y’all. And while I’m sure I’ll be mad at myself later when her dental bills are insane, I just can’t do it yet. I vowed to take it this summer before school starts because she’s already the only kid who has a paci still in school. And I will take it the same way I took her bottle and potty trained her. Baby steps…it’s the only way I can let go of her being my baby. My last baby.
Speaking of, something that kind of sucked but was mostly good that I did this weekend was give away my crib. We were given a crib when Hannah was born from The Man’s stepmom and Hannah never slept in it. When I was pregnant with Livie I was determined to eventually transition her to a crib unlike her older sister so my mother in law and step mother in law pitched in and got me a gorgeous crib. Then I had Livie and she was so tiny at 5 lbs 13 oz and I took one look at that crib and cried. I knew that it was going to stay beautiful and perfect because there was no way my tiny baby girl would ever sleep in it. She never did. In fact, she’s still in our bed. I don’t know why I thought that we would change our minds about co-sleeping since we did it with Hannah but we never did change our minds. 3 years later Livie is still in our bed and the crib is brand new. Finally someone I know is pregnant and needs a crib so on Saturday she came to get it. I won’t lie and say it didn’t make my heart ache just a little. I packed up the bedding and even threw in the infant seat because I don’t need that anymore either. We are sure we are done having kids. I like having just 2 kids and I look forward to family trips without diaper bags and bottles and babies. I look forward to moving on with our family life together, just the 4 of us. But, as most women can relate, making the final choice and doing something massive like giving away the crib, even though she never slept in it, is sad. It’s final.
The crib is gone and Livie’s room has toys where her crib was. She played in it all weekend. “I love my room!!” she said. Yup, we are moving right along.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow me!
Hannah gets out of school in 3 weeks. Livie’s last week is next week. All of us are looking forward to beach days and pool days and I can’t believe that it’s already about to be my second summer off work and home doing fun things with the kids all summer.
Happy May!
Love and marriage…and tears
I know this will be hard to believe to those of you that know me, but I barely took any pictures when I was in Ohio for my sister’s wedding.
…….
Are you over the shock yet?
I DID take a lot on my phone but barely any with my point and shoot and NONE on my big camera. Turns out when you’re IN a wedding you’re actually pretty busy. Who knew?
Totally joking. I DID know but still…shame on me.
The wedding was gorgeous…the reception was amazing…I hung out with family and friends and had such a wonderful time. My sister is now a married woman and joins my club of married daughters to my parents.
Y’all know how much I love love. Sometimes I think love is the only thing that keeps me going on the worst days. My sister and I don’t always see eye to eye but I was genuinely happy for her on her day. I could really feel the love between her and her husband (still weird to say!) and the day was gorgeous.
I made little Instagram collages of my time in Ohio…
Sidenote: my new niece Ella is to die for. She truly is the best baby in the whole world and I ALMOST kidnapped her the day I left. Just saying.
Another sidenote: I may or may not have texted The Man after my hair and make up was done with a picture of me telling him I looked bad ass and he’s missing it all.
This is the first time in ages that when I said goodbye to my family I didn’t have a future date in mind for when I’d be back.
That killed me.
Usually when I leave I’m saying “See you in November!” or “See you in the summer!!” This time? Nothing. I don’t know when we’ll be back. I HOPE summer of 2013 but OMG doesn’t that seem like so far away? Saying bye to my niece who’s so tiny and knowing the next time I see her she’ll be walking and talking killed me. Saying bye to my mom who cries EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I come back home kills me. To know SHE doesn’t have a date in mind to look forward to kills me. Distance sucks. I love living down here. Texas is my home and I can’t imagine living anywhere else. But Ohio will always be home too and it pains a little more each time I leave my growing family.
I literally just took a very deep breath and let out a long sigh.
Typing it out doesn’t make it any easier than saying it outloud. Emotional overload.
Speaking of hard emotions, I went to my dad and grandparent’s graves while I was up there. I keep thinking that one day when I go to my dad’s grave I’ll be able to without crying. That day is nowhere close. I was fine driving into the cemetery. I was fine as I got out of the car and walked up to his grave. As soon as I stood there and read his headstone a few times the tears flowed. There’s just so much…he’s around though a lot and I take huge comfort in that. My best friend teases me cause I’ll tell her about the conversations I have with my dad still even after he’s gone and she jokes about how I argue with him in the afterlife. I told her “Of course I do. Now I can without his stupid reasoning getting in my way!” and we crack up. It’s true though. I’ve always loved my dad. He pissed me off A LOT when he was alive. But he’s gone now and for as much as I forgive people when they’re alive and in my life daily…how much more have I forgiven him in his death.
But with all of that, the weekend was still fabulous and I had a great time and by Monday I was ready to get home to my babies.
Back to regular blogging later this week or next week. Until then, love.
Insecurity and Easter happenings
When I’m upset, I clean. My house has been the most spotless ever after an argument with The Man that spawned a 3 hour cleaning marathon. When I’m cleaning I can think and Lord can I ever take out my feelings on a dirty bathroom.
Last night my downstairs was immaculate.
A few thoughtless comments from The Man, like ” Man, I never have any clean shorts” and ” You still haven’t bought coke?” or ” This closet needs cleaned”, and I’m in the kitchen getting the broom and dustpan. I got home hours earlier and noticed the floors needed swept and laundry needed done but I had a book I wanted to read and I knew the cleaning could wait. As the last passive aggressive comment came from his mouth I set my book down and began to clean. It was a short clean up- 30 minutes but it was enough time to settle down.
After a 5 minute silent ride in the car The Man finally asked me what was wrong and I told him that I couldn’t think of one day this week that he wasn’t saying something to me that I didn’t like. He swore up and down that he didn’t mean it the way I took it. After his hand rested on my leg for the rest of the drive I calmed down even more and said to myself that my insecurity has once again claimed my emotions.
Yes, I am very insecure. When I was 10, 15, or heck, even 20 I handled my insecurities of an alcoholic father and a mother in a wheelchair by crying or writing in my diary. When I was a teenager and we lived on foodstamps I handled my insecurities by recording every song on the radio that mimicked how I felt and committed them to memory. Now that I’m 30? I clean. It’s no secret that I suck at handling my emotions and insecurity is a big fat elephant in my room of emotions. I try not to let it get to me mostly by telling myself I’m ridiculous to ever feel insecure. And yet, I’m not. Plenty has happened for me to NOT feel secure. I just sometimes misplace my insecurity and so a few comments from my husband turns into me thinking he doesn’t respect me and is ungrateful.
Then I wonder why he gives me “that look” sometimes.
That topped with a lice outbreak in my house this week (I won’t even get into how much THAT sucked) and my week was shaping up to be kind of stupid. I even tweeted on Wednesday something like “Today is stupid.” I kept telling myself that lice or insecurity isn’t that big of a deal and in the grand scheme of things in life it’s a very minor bump in the road. But in that moment, when I sent that tweet, that day was stupid.
Lice are stupid, by the way.
So now it’s Saturday and I’m feeling better and the lice are gone. I have a carton of a dozen colored eggs that symbolized an awesome day of tradition in our family. Our annual egg coloring afternoon on Good Friday.
I take a picture of the blank canvas the kids see of eggs ready to be colored every year because they sit there around the table staring at the white eggs while we mix colors and dyes. Their eyes are glued to those white eggs and they already know which color they want first and call them out so that no one else can have it before they do. I can’t believe there aren’t fights over colors, actually. But there aren’t. They are all in this together.
The winner for best egg.
Livie had a little Easter Egg hunt at school on Thursday too. For the past few years she was too young to really care about hunting eggs but this year she took it and ran. With every egg she found she’d run to me to show me and yell ” I FOUND AN EGG!!!”
She napped with her basket that afternoon.
And the obligatory picture of Livie and her cousin after a school party because they’re too cute to not take one.
The book I mentioned earlier that I wanted to read instead of cleaning my house? It’s Bloom by Kelle Hampton. I emailed Kelle not too long after she had Nella after I was already quite obsessed with her blog to ask her if she was really writing a book like she mentioned on her blog. She told me yes she was and it’d be out in a year or so. The countdown started for me that day and when my book came Thursday afternoon it was all I could do to not cancel all future plans until I finished it.
I finished it this morning. It was amazing. Read it if you want to be inspired.
We have a lot of Easter weekend family plans left that I must get to. It’s 11:30 on a Saturday and we’re all still in our PJs when we all have a lot to do.
But first, an Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB if you want to follow me.
Wishing you all a Happy Easter tomorrow. Have a great rest of your weekend.
I got up
After I published that post last week I received emails, tweets, comments, and texts about what I said. Everything was so sweet and encouraging and it’s just what I needed. I forget that there are many of you who read but don’t comment…but you’re out there.
I’m grateful for you.
One of you (hi @ynotkissme!!!) reached out to me on Twitter like 5 seconds after I posted that post to let me know she read it and she was here…but that it was also a little refreshing to know that I have bad days too. Thank you for that. I do have bad days but I don’t usually post about them. I did more when I worked and I just NEEDED that release. These days I’m much more content so I handle the bad better. I do promise though to blog about them more when they come. As Chrisor told me, she knows I’m a real person by my Instagram and Tweets but it was nice to read it in my blog too. Noted. Thank you.
I spent the rest of the week really taking advantage of all the good things in my life, though. I needed it to pick myself back up. Sometimes in bad times I take more photos. Sometimes I don’t. This week was a don’t. I took a good amount on my phone but only 1 on my camera. When weeks like that end I kind of kick myself because I thrive so much on taking photos and editing them…it’s my thing. The ones I did take on my phone though? Priceless.
Livie and her cousin before school last Thursday. They had Easter pictures. These two with all their cute…melt my heart, right?
Same with them. They are my little fashionistas.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB if you want to follow my addiction. Also, welcome to all the new Droid users who got Instagram today.
Ending this quick post with my favorite picture of her in weeks. I promise to catch up soon on my picture taking because all this cute begs to be photographed.
No tears today. Just big, grateful smiles.
I fell
Sometimes when you’re just skipping along making rainbows out of life and looking for silver linings left and right the universe laughs at you and sends something on your happy sidewalk to make you trip and fall flat on your face.
That happened to me last week.
I published this blog post on Tuesday and at that point I was happy and content as I stood up from this computer. The usual things I worry about still loomed in the back of my head like bills and yearly tax payments but those are usual worries to me and nothing that sets me back. But by Thursday? I was on my way to pick up Hannah from horseback riding when the tears started falling. There are a few things that have happened to me in the course of my 30 years that have shook me. Some I’ve blogged about, others I haven’t. It’s a haven’t that tripped me and made me fall. One tear fell as I thought about things and within 5 minutes I was a sobbing hot mess. I kept telling myself to stop crying because I didn’t want Hannah to see me like this and ask me what was wrong. I’m not exactly good with dealing with my feelings. The few terrible things that have happened to me I keep so far back in my head that they rarely have a chance to creep up on me. I never think about them and if I do, I tell myself to stop because I don’t want to go there. It’s totally unhealthy and I realize this. It’s how I function though. It’s how I am able to go on with my life and be happy. It’s how I’m able to be a good mom and wife. It’s necessary for everyone else’s existances, even if it’s not for mine. One day I’ll probably deal with them properly but for now I’m not ready and so because of that I end up driving on the freeway, sobbing like a crazy woman and trying not to smudge my make up in the process because I wanted to look as normal as possible when the tears stopped.
They did stop after about 10 minutes and I looked at myself in my sun visor mirror. I looked mostly ok since I had sunglasses on. I picked Hannah up. I went home and made dinner for my family. I tucked my girls into bed and read my book before I went to bed like every other day. I lied in bed that night and just for a second almost laughed at myself and my ability to just shut away feelings because it’s just easier that way. And then I did just that. I shut them away, closed my eyes, and went to sleep.
I hate Thursday last week. I hate going there. I hate feeling that way. I hate that when I’m the most happy they come out to remind me that I’m not as happy as I think I am.
And yet, I am.
It’s really confusing to me so I can’t imagine how confusing it must be to read.
Typing this is another release…nothing like bawling my eyes out, but a release nonetheless. I think every now and then my heart just wants me to feel…to remind me that I’m NOT numb and that I DO have those feelings. The things that upset me aren’t things that can be fixed. They’re sad memories so I don’t blame myself for not going there.
I guess on Thursday, though, my heart wanted something different so I felt…really felt…and it mostly sucked but kind of felt good too.
Phew.
I almost didn’t want to put this out there but I think it’s necessary that I do. I know it’s ridiculous to think that anyone thinks my life is grand and problem free. I don’t usually blog about the bad things though. This time I am. I also think it’s ridiculous for me to sit and wait for bad things whether they be memories or actual bad things that will happen just because I’m really happy at that moment. Savor the happy and don’t wait for the bad. The bad will come, yes. But after that, good again.
So, how ’bout some good now, yes?
My nephew turned 8 this past weekend and my girls had an amazing time at his birthday party. I took so many pictures at his party that I couldn’t share them all here. These are my favorites.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB if you want to follow me.
Praying for a good week ahead and closing this post happy.
Rainbowy
So, I have to confess that I was feeling rather uninspired to blog today. Yesterday I thought to myself that I would because I’ve edited a lot of good pictures lately and I wanted to share them with you all here. I also realized that it had been almost a week since I blogged last which is unlike me. But when I finally got the time today I sat in front of this computer and sighed. My mind was on a book I wanted to read and a few TV shows I wanted to watch on my DVR. I scolded myself though because I know me well and I knew that once I sat and got the pictures together that I wanted to blog inspiration would smack me in the face like it always does.
So here I am.
HI!
For about 2.5 years now the caption under my blog title has read “Trying to capture life’s rainbows and unicorns.” Most of the time this is so true of me. I may not always say it out loud but when bad things happen I sit there and try to find a silver lining…ANY silver lining…that’ll make it better. Or at least help me handle it better. Move the mountain or move yourself, right? For a better part of my life it was always me moving myself. For the past few years it’s been the mountains bowing out of my way.
I am so grateful for that.
We all have our bad days, yes. Of course we do. But the good days? They outweight the bad by bucketfuls. So when I sat here thinking I didn’t want to blog I knew that the proverbial rainbow and unicorn would appear with each picture that I edited because…well, just look.
My mother in law gave me her camera to get the pictures from their trip off of it. After I looked at them all, I texted her and told her “Y’all are the best grandparents ever.” With each click I smiled bigger and bigger and I found myself saying “Awwww” out loud a few times. My girls are so blessed to have amazing grandparents that do this for them. I mean, they came home happy and talked endlessly for days about how much fun they had. Livie told me for days that she wanted to go back to the lake to ride her pony. I just didn’t know HOW much fun they really had until I looked through the pictures. And so see? This is why I take so many photos. Whether it’s to remember a fantastic trip or to help The Man’s cousin out when she texts me at 10 at night that she needs pictures of her daughter for school and within minutes I was emailing her 10 pictures of her baby…it’s important to me. I was glad my mother in law took those pictures because now I have the memory of it also just as my girls do.
The day they got home looked like this.
They spent days together and didn’t have enough.
This is what I pictured that night years ago when Hannah literally got on her knees at the window in our bedroom and looked up to the sky and begged God to put a baby in her mama’s belly and please make it a girl. I’m pretty sure it’s what God pictured too when he gave her her wish.
If that wasn’t rainbowy enough for you, there’s this.
I said it last week and I meant it. The bluebonnets are kind of a big deal here in Texas and because they’re only out for like a month you have to get pictures at the exact right time or else you’re out of luck. This year Hannah alerted me to the fact that she wasn’t interested in taking bluebonnet pictures and if I made her she would “make faces.” Instead of arguing with her and making her go when I knew we’d argue and it’d ruin the picture perfect image of what I originally imagined of my girls posed perfectly in the flowers, I told her that was fine. Pre-teen angst is no joke y’all. Pick your battles…that’s my motto. So I took Livie out there alone. I will admit that the perfectness wasn’t there either as I imagined because once she saw a grasshopper she lost it and well…we only got a few good pictures with the help of bribery of chocolate if she would be good.
Bribery is my friend. Bribery worked for Hannah. Bribery works for Livie.
Then I snapped this gem. It’s my favorite of the day and since taking it it’s become my phone, iPad, and Facebook wallpaper.
All that was missing was a rainbow over her head. Then again, I see it even if no one else does.
I got her the king sized Hershey bar immediately after.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow my addiction.
In wrapping up this post I realize that this was exactly what I needed right now today. Still loving love, by the way. This post was the cherry on top. Soak up the good to the last drop and when the bad comes know that good is just around the corner.
A thank you with cute on top
It’s replies to my post from Monday, either by commenting here or emailing me, that make me wonder why people don’t blog. This community is amazing and when I took the time to spill my guts Monday (even though I didn’t plan on it!) you reached out to me and gave me advice or just let me know that you know what I mean and you’re right here with me.
Thank you. Truly. I only have a handful of steady readers. I appreciate the handful of you. This blog will never be main stream. It won’t be a “popular” blog or one that lots of people have heard of because it’s been featured on blogging websites or even in magazines. But it’s been my writing home for 6 years and many of you have been my readers for that long. So to all of you? Thank you for inspiring me and letting me know that you’re here, especially when I need it. I still have no answers as to how I’m going to curb the fighting or the major attitude so until then, I’ll blog about it and y’all will reply. I love that.
We took it easy this week. I had the baby I nanny for the first part of the week so we made those days stay at home days for the most part. It was rainy and muggy so the plans I had to walk to the lake again fell through. So Livie and I watched endless episodes of Mickey Mouse while she played with her toys and I caught up on my online life.
I’ve noticed a couple things about Livie the past few weeks. The first is that she’s into strict organizational rituals. If she has two toys she lines them up in a perfect straight line either facing each other or herself. If she’s eating, she lines up her cup with her bowl and they each have to face her in a certain way. I call her my little OCD baby which is fine with me because I’m constantly cleaning up after everyone and if she turns into a person who’s crazy about clean? Hooray!
The other thing is that I think she’s going to be left handed like her dad. Her left foot is significantly bigger than her right and she holds her pencil in both hands when she writes. She also uses each hand when she eats. The confusion along with her foot leads me to believe she’ll be left handed and just hasn’t figured that out yet. The Man hasn’t admitted it, but I can tell that he’s secretly happy that he’s got a lefty kid just like him.
Yesterday was Western day at school for Livie and her cousin. I had been eyeballing this boutique dress for a while and I was so happy when my mother in law surprised me with it for her birthday. It’s kind of a present for me more than her. On Wednesday she showed up with red boots for the dress. The Man’s cousin who is my bow maker made some bows to match and the cuteness explosion that happened yesterday is too much for words.
They’re only 10 months apart and inseperable when they’re together. Her mom and I love it and it’s become a mission for us to dress them alike when we can and tell them 100 times how cute they look with an occasional “You better smile!” when I take their pictures.
My mother in law and I were just discussing the other day about how much Liv has grown up since her birthday. It seems ridiculous to say and yet it’s true. It just seems like turning 3 made her grow up so much more. She’s not a baby anymore even though I still refer to her as “the baby.” She’s turned into this little lady and it makes me so happy that when she sees the little outfits I get her and the bows I’ve had made for her that she yells “I wanna wear that!!!” It’s no secret that I’m obsessed with frills and bows and ruffles. How could I not be? It’s so fun!
Today’s outfit choice. She was happy.
Today’s Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow me.
Thankful it’s the weekend and thankful for all y’all.
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