Progress
So I took everything y’all said last week to heart. I still have to reply to some of your comments but the general idea in almost all your comments Friday was to let go and don’t let anger consume me….that I control how much I let someone affect me.
The thing is that I’ve always known this…it’s just DOING it that’s my hurdle. I know that I control my happiness and I choose what I let bother me. It’s hard when it’s a close family member to let things go. But I do need to. Y’all were right about that. I’ve BEEN working on this for years…but this weekend I really focused on it. I focused on not letting this person control my anger all weekend. I focused on my girls and my family and IT WORKED! I wasn’t upset all weekend. I wasn’t sitting at home letting it fester and thinking resentful things. I just let it be. I guess the main thing is accepting that it will never get better. Usually things get better, you know? If something sucks…more often than not it gets better. This is not going to get better. Ever. And that’s just something I’m going to have to deal with.
That was the 1st step in a long process for me. But I took it.
Getting over anger
I need to know how to do that. I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. It’s a vicious cycle. Still SO angry with crappy family member and I can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. I think it’s because this person continually just adds fuel to the fire. It’s like never ending. There’s always something being said or done by this person and just when I start to think “ok Beck. You got this. You can handle them” they just do something else and I start back at ground zero with the madness.
And the anger.
And the resentment.
And the bitterness.
And I HATE feeling this way! It’s not me. I hate being angry. I keep telling myself to accept that this person will never change and so I just need to accept that about them and move on. I keep telling myself that if I accept that this is just how they are and I don’t have an expectations from them then when they do something shitty, I’ll accept it.
BUT I CAN’T DO THAT! I just can’t. It’s not me. I can’t accept that ANYONE is like that. Who forgets important birthdays? Who forgets to take care of their mom? Why do they think they’re allowed to walk around with their nose in their air like the Queen and it be ok? Why do they think they can treat family members like total shit and that’s ok? I mean, HOW can I accept this?
I can’t. I won’t. So I’m angry today.
My Thanksgiving trip to Ohio
Hi. I’m alive. My blogging hiatus lasted longer than I thought it would but omg I was so busy at work yesterday. I had a great time…relaxed A LOT which was much needed…saw a lot of my family…took a lot of pictures and of course, ate a lot. I went about this trip differently than my other trips. I made no plans to see any friends. At first I hated that I was going about it that way. But I knew if I started making plans to see friends then I’d be SO tied up trying to be fair and see everyone I could and then I’d be stressed and busy and annoyed. I just couldn’t handle it this time. Especially not for a holiday. I saw 1 friend the whole week I was there. I hung out with family. I laughed. I watched movies. I just had a really nice time.
It was so great to see my mom. I still worry about her. She seems like she’s getting more and more crazy with each time I see her. Just repeating a lot of the same things…worse speech…more forgetful. Makes me sad. I try to cherish each time I see her because who knows when it will be the last, you know? I hate to sound ominous but it is what it is. It made me so happy though to see her bursting with joy at having all 3 of her grandkids together. I was super excited to see my nephew again. It had been a year since I saw him last when I hugged him and kissed him last week. So, here are a couple of pictures from the trip. I took way too many to post so I picked 2 of my favorites.
By the way, crappy family member? Still crappy. Shocker, yes I know.
In other news, Hannah’s birthday party is this weekend. We always do it a couple weeks before her birthday. She’ll be 7 on the 18th. 7. How in the hell do I have a 7 year old?
Oh yeah- and we get to go out like grown ups tomorrow night for our anniversary finally. Super excited about this!
And um, they’re saying it’s going to snow here today. It’s snowed 2 times in the 8 years I’ve lived here. My ride home from work today is going to be kick ass *insert major sarcasm* Have a great weekend y’all!
My New Normal
I’ve known a few people who have lost a close loved one. In grief counseling they learn that they have to learn to live in their New Normal. Their lives how they are now is their New Normal even though they can’t fathom how they’ll go on without this person they lost. I can’t help but think of this when I think about my life these days. I haven’t lost someone close to me BUT I have lost a friend. And I have been dealing with a crappy family member. Those combined with other significant major mountains I’ve had to climb over this year have made me take some time to evaluate my life. For months and months now I’ve been grieving the way things used to be. The way they were before I climbed over these mountains. The way they were when I had my friend. Or when crappy family member was actually not as crappy. The other night it dawned on me that things will never go back to the way they were. I have to stop grieving and mourning the existance I had back then because it’s gone. THIS is my New Normal. The life I’ve been living for the past year is my New Normal. I hadn’t realized that until this weekend. I can’t keep focusing on how things were and trying to get them back to that. The truth is that they’ll never go back to how they used to be. They can’t. The damage is far too great. And sadly, I’ve paid the price. So now all I have left to do is pick myself up and live my life. I owe it to myself to not dwell on these things. I owe it to myself to accept my New Normal.
Crappy people update
so to update my last update on my crappy friend- she contacted me once again and said sorry and begged for my forgiveness and begged to meet for lunch because she really does miss me. and since i’m a glutton for punishment i decided to say yes. and then of course the same thing happened. haven’t heard from her…no reply to my “are we still doing lunch” text. no replies to any emails. so i’ve now decided that i’m done talking to her. when she finally does decide to talk to me again i’m not replying. this is sucking me dry. i miss her so much it aches and yet i’m so angry with her. and i can’t keep doing this to myself. it’s just stress i’ve given myself, you know?
and as far as my family member goes- i went ahead and mailed her the pictures of the girls against my better judgement. she sent me an email today that simply said “got the pictures. so anyway…” and then she rambled on about herself for another paragraph. no “thank you” or “those pictures were nice”…nothing. not even a little comment whatsoever about them. SO i have taken the next step with her as well. she’s off my email list for when i send pictures out. and i’m not mailing her pictures anymore either. and if/when she asks me why i will nicely explain that she doesn’t give a flying flip about my girls OR me since she’s so selfish with her emails and can’t even say thank you for the pictures that i went out of my way to send. i think she thinks that i sit around picking my nose all day..that i don’t have a life…or a family to take care of….or a job…or anything. and that apparently everything is always roses for me so i should be RIGHT there when things aren’t perfect for her and i should always want to hear her stupid stories because i have nothing better to do.
i’m so sick of being treated like crap by people that are supposed to love me. and it’s time i change that.
Selfishness
i’ll be the 1st to admit i’m a little selfish when it comes to certain things…and by certain things i mean like a very limited few. what i can’t stand is someone who is constantly selfish about EVERY single thing and nothing in their life makes them change.
i know someone in my family who’s extremely selfish and has been this way since i’ve known her. everything is about her. if i send her an email with pictures of the girls, she’ll only write back if she has something to say about her self. “those are cute. so, last night i went on this date….” and rambles on for 3 paragraphs about her date and how she’s torn on this, that or the other and the whole time i’m reading it i’m thinking, really? as if i don’t have better things to do than read about your stupid date last night when you CLEARLY have better things to do than have any interest in my life. if i send her an email to ask her how she’s doing, she’ll write me back. if i send her an email to tell her about something my kids are doing, i get nothing back. and you can forget about her even making the attempt to call or email me to ask ME how i am or how the girls are. EXCEPT for the times she actually does do this so i’ll think wow, she’s had a change of heart and i’ll write back about what’s been going on and her replies ALWAYS ALWAYS have NOTHING to do with what i wrote to her and TOTALLY to do with herself. she’s not asking me how i am because she cares. she’s asking me how i am because she wants to talk about herself.
recently she got sick….really really sick. but she’s better now. and i thought that maybe her being sick would make her change. make her realize that she DOES need people. that she doesn’t control everything. that perhaps she’s NOT the greatest thing since sliced bread. but it didn’t. she didn’t make time for her mom for mother’s day or any day and that’s the norm. she’s still treating me the same way. and now she just uses her illness as a crutch to gain MORE sympathy and attention instead of using it for good. and then of course that leaves me feeling guilty anytime i think anything bad of her because she WAS sick and i’m not so i can’t possibly understand where she’s coming from. and THEN i argue that she just got sick last year….how does she explain the rest of the years?
of course if you tell her that she’s selfish she gets so defensive and makes herself a martyr. no one loves her. no one understands her…blah blah.
i feel sorry for her usually. i hate that she got sick. i love that she got better. she’s not someone i can cut out of my life. she’s family. and yet telling her what i feel about ANY of this does no good. i’ve done it before. and instead of her saying sorry or realizing it she screamed at me, made herself the martyr again because she’s oh so busy and has no time to be interested in others. I’ve told her many times that she’s not the only busy person and that maybe i’m busy too BUT i make time to check in on her. that’s the difference. she’s the kind of person that you can’t tell anything to. that you can’t make realize ANYTHING. that can’t see past themselves. ever. so expressing how i feel does absolutely NOTHING except make things worse.
do you know anyone like this? how have you handled it? because honestly i’m just ready to explode. if i get one more self serving email this week from her, i think i might die.
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