Only in my dreams
I’ve mentioned Crappy Friend a few times on here. The reality is that I think about her everyday. If you’re new to my blog and don’t feel like reading back (although that link right there will catch you up pretty quick) the quick story is that we were best friends for 6 years. Inseperable. Had lunch every week. Hung out on the weekends sometimes. She was at all of Hannah’s birthday parties and other big family events. She helped plan my baby shower with Hannah. She was just the ever present friend and actually more like a sister to me. My family accepted her as family. Her family accepted me as family. Then one day she just sorta drifted. Started cancelling our lunches. Bailed on Hannah’s recitals and birthday parties with shitty excuses. After a year of this, she finally told me that she was too deep into drugs and a bad life with her abusive boyfriend and she had to go her own way, more or less. And since then I’ve heard from her maybe once or twice. That was a year ago. Someone that I used to talk to everyday and see at least once a week I’ve now heard from twice in 365 days.
Last I saw her was in July. She begged to come over and this was way out of the blue. I hadn’t even heard from her in months. I told her I didn’t want her to come over if she wasn’t going to be cleaned up and around again because Hannah truly missed her and I didn’t want to confuse Hannah. She assured me that she had seen the light and got away from her crazy boyfriend and her life was going to be better. She seemed so excited so I let her come over. She saw Hannah. Held the baby. I was leery the whole time even though I really just wanted to hug her forever and tell her how much I had missed her. She looked gorgeous and was so happy and I really thought that was it. Things were gonna be better. SHE was going to be better.
But I was wrong.
They weren’t better. See, after that day, I never heard from her again. That was 6 months ago. No text. No phone call. No email. Nothing. I’ve tried all those methods to reach her. She’s ignored me. Her mother emailed me and told me her daughter missed me and that she was alive but back with the old boyfriend. That was a few months ago. I’ve heard nothing since.
This is like a really REALLY bad break up. I’ve actually never had a break up as hard as this in my life. I miss her so much. I think about her every single day. I dream about her probably about once a month or so. And most of the dreams are the same…the same one I had last night. I see her…either by mistake or planned…but everytime I hug her and cry and tell her I miss her and I’m so happy to see her. And she looks beautiful and she’s so happy to see me too. And everytime I wake up and realize it didn’t happen and I’m let down again. I know she’s in a bad place. I get that. I just want so badly for her to clean up and come back. She had a great life before all of this. She’s a brilliant writer. She’s wasting it all away and there’s nothing I can do.
Will I ever get over this? Will there be a day when I DON’T think about her? That I DON’T miss her?
And so I dream about her. I probably dream about her more consistently than anything else. I miss her so much it aches sometimes. It’s like she died. Like I lost a close family member without any closure. I miss her so much. And I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change her. All I can do is dream.
My New Normal
I’ve known a few people who have lost a close loved one. In grief counseling they learn that they have to learn to live in their New Normal. Their lives how they are now is their New Normal even though they can’t fathom how they’ll go on without this person they lost. I can’t help but think of this when I think about my life these days. I haven’t lost someone close to me BUT I have lost a friend. And I have been dealing with a crappy family member. Those combined with other significant major mountains I’ve had to climb over this year have made me take some time to evaluate my life. For months and months now I’ve been grieving the way things used to be. The way they were before I climbed over these mountains. The way they were when I had my friend. Or when crappy family member was actually not as crappy. The other night it dawned on me that things will never go back to the way they were. I have to stop grieving and mourning the existance I had back then because it’s gone. THIS is my New Normal. The life I’ve been living for the past year is my New Normal. I hadn’t realized that until this weekend. I can’t keep focusing on how things were and trying to get them back to that. The truth is that they’ll never go back to how they used to be. They can’t. The damage is far too great. And sadly, I’ve paid the price. So now all I have left to do is pick myself up and live my life. I owe it to myself to not dwell on these things. I owe it to myself to accept my New Normal.
Crappy people update
so to update my last update on my crappy friend- she contacted me once again and said sorry and begged for my forgiveness and begged to meet for lunch because she really does miss me. and since i’m a glutton for punishment i decided to say yes. and then of course the same thing happened. haven’t heard from her…no reply to my “are we still doing lunch” text. no replies to any emails. so i’ve now decided that i’m done talking to her. when she finally does decide to talk to me again i’m not replying. this is sucking me dry. i miss her so much it aches and yet i’m so angry with her. and i can’t keep doing this to myself. it’s just stress i’ve given myself, you know?
and as far as my family member goes- i went ahead and mailed her the pictures of the girls against my better judgement. she sent me an email today that simply said “got the pictures. so anyway…” and then she rambled on about herself for another paragraph. no “thank you” or “those pictures were nice”…nothing. not even a little comment whatsoever about them. SO i have taken the next step with her as well. she’s off my email list for when i send pictures out. and i’m not mailing her pictures anymore either. and if/when she asks me why i will nicely explain that she doesn’t give a flying flip about my girls OR me since she’s so selfish with her emails and can’t even say thank you for the pictures that i went out of my way to send. i think she thinks that i sit around picking my nose all day..that i don’t have a life…or a family to take care of….or a job…or anything. and that apparently everything is always roses for me so i should be RIGHT there when things aren’t perfect for her and i should always want to hear her stupid stories because i have nothing better to do.
i’m so sick of being treated like crap by people that are supposed to love me. and it’s time i change that.
Lost friend
i recently pretty much lost a friend of mine. and it hurts so badly. we’ve been friends for years. so so close. and slowly she started to be distant until we barely talked at all. after ignored emails and phone calls from me, out of the blue she emailed me and explained why she’s been absent. the list of reasons killed me. they had nothing to do with me…in fact they shocked me as they had to do with personal choices she had made that i never knew about. it turns out that i never really knew her at all. she had lived a double life for pretty much our whole friendship. and now i’m heartbroken. i feel like i’ve lost a limb….or like a family member…or something else that’s big like that. i have such a huge hole in my life. i got that explanation back in january and slowly i’m getting used to the idea that i’ll never have her back. at least not how she was before because now my eyes are opened to the truth. we say a couple words to eachother now and then but really our friendship is pretty non existant. and i think she wants it that way. she feels like she doesn’t deserve me. she’s made herself a martyr. it’s probably better that we aren’t friends…but it doesn’t change the fact that i miss her, that i’m sad, that she won’t be a huge part of Nimmie’s life like she was of Nettie’s. Nettie still asks about her and i don’t know how to even explain it. the whole situation just sucks. and there’s nothing i can do about it except deal with it and move on.
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