my dad is an alcoholic. and i’ve accepted that for the past 15 years of my life. what i’ve not accepted is my dad AS my dad because of it. i’ve seperated any good part of my life from him. i have a handful of happy memories that involved my dad. so since Nettie’s been born she’s seen him a few times and i’ve talked to him a few times and thats been the majority of our relationship. the past 2 years my dad has gotten really sick from his bad liver and now he’s on the liver transplant list. he’s just waiting for a donor. and i’ve been bitter and resentful and i’ve thought its ridiculous that HE should get a free liver when there’s people out there that need them and aren’t alcoholics and didn’t ruin their own livers. and i really never thought twice that i was saying these things about my own father. i guess i felt justified as he never really took an active roll in my life…or Nettie or matts life for that matter. and i felt like if he didn’t really ever “care” about us why should i burden myself with worrying about him? yesterday my mom told me she called my dad (they’re divorced and he’s remarried) and she said he sounded very confused. and that his wife bathes him and feeds him and the 1st thing i thought of was how much my dad would say when we were kids that he never wanted to live that way and if he ever got to the point where he couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone he’d rather be dead. and now he’s at that point. and so i felt compelled to at least check on him. i felt bad for him. i called him today. and as selfish as i’ve felt he’s been, the 1st thing he asked about was Nettie…and how big she was…and how her dance class was…and how i was….and my eyes welled up with tears. because all this time i’ve been bitter and holding resentment toward him because i felt like after all the pain and grief he caused me and my sisters and my mom- he owed me and he couldn’t even get to the point of being involved even when his health was compromised. and when he asked about Nettie 1st thing and didn’t go on about how HE was…it weighed me down with such guilt. with such remorse. yes, he was a crappy dad growing up. does he know it? yes. does he regret it? i’m sure. does he still love me and care about me and Nettie and Hubs? of course he does. and all this time he has. he has my whole life. i was just too mad to see it. and so today was a big step for me. because today i forgave my dad. i finally forgave him. and no longer am i going to hold it over his head what he put us all through. no longer am i going to hesitate to call him. no longer am i going to hesitate to see him when i’m home. he is the only dad that i have. and he may not even live much longer and i’m so grateful that i realized this now and not after i said my final goodbyes.