I let her quit
Yesterday I let Hannah quit dance.
Typing that sentence makes me tear up.
I’m in denial for the moment that her dancing through school and into college was MY dream, not hers. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
Hannah’s been dancing since she was 2.5 years old. She had her first recital when she was 3. She’s competed in a team dance. She competed all by herself and got trophies for her solo. She’s beautiful to watch on the stage. She was excited to start dancing again after having the summer off. But after 1 week of class, she was asking to quit again. I told her to stick it out for a month and then I’d ask her how she felt again. She began classes for her solo for this year. She seemed like she was really liking it again. But the past 2 weeks she’s started complaining again and so I stuck with my end of our deal and asked her, since it’s October now, if she wanted to quit dance. She told me yes. I explained everything this meant…how if she ever did want to dance again she’d be behind her friends…that Livie will be starting dance in a year and a half (OMG I KNOW!) and she’ll probably want to dance again…..that she’d have to give up her solo which she actually DOES enjoy if she really does want to quit her other once a week technique class…I went down a laundry list of what all of this meant. And after a ten minute discussion and a heartbroken look on my face she told me “Mom, I’ve been dancing since I was 3 years old. I need a break. It’ll be ok. You’ll get over it.”
She was so matter of fact. And she’s right. I will get over it. I keep hoping that maybe Livie will love it and will be my dancer. I realize that this is just me living out my childhood fantasy. My mom couldn’t afford to send me or my sisters to dance classes and I listened with jealousy as my friends talked about their dance classes. It’s all I wanted to do as a kid.
I know she will probably regret this decision one day. Maybe she won’t. Maybe she’ll dance again. Maybe she won’t. But I didn’t want to keep paying (a lot mind you) for something she doesn’t really want to do. I told her she can have this year off but come fall next year she’s doing some kind of other activity. She needs to be involved in something besides just school and playing at home.
I have a folder in my Flickr for all her dance stuff.
I was looking at it earlier this morning and got all sad again. I can’t believe I’m being SUCH a baby about this but I admit I am. When I emailed her teachers about her quitting, one of them told me that they hoped she would come back soon because she was one of her favorites to watch on the stage.
Oh, how I agree.
I’m going to miss this.
Did me proud
Hannah had her 5th recital this weekend. Her other 4 recitals were great but this one was the best. She danced more this year than ever before. She got to do her competition solo again. She had a total of 5 dances. She did them all with a smile on her face and remembered everything. I can’t even express how proud I am of her. I really can’t. She amazes me. She danced in her first recital when she was three.
She’s come so far since then.
So, so far.
After everything was said and done yesterday she told me that she “brought down the house.” Well that
she
did.
Dancing…and walking
I stood by my word and took a picture last night of Hannah with her trophy and medals.
And I also said I’d share some pictures of her being silly in our hotel room.
After I took Hannah’s pictures I started taking apart my camera when Livie decided she was going to show me what she did while I was gone Saturday night. She stood up and took steps to me. Then fell down. Then stood back up and took MORE steps. And I was like OH EM GEE! GET THAT CAMERA BACK TOGETHER BECKS! So I did.
She looks like she’s dancing lol
“I DID IT MOM!”
She’s so proud of herself.
I really encourage y’all who don’t take pictures often to start. I take a lot but I want to take MORE. I want hundreds of pictures each week of my girls. These are just a few I took last night. I took about 20 total of Livie standing and walking. When I read blogs like Kelle Hampton’s I get inspired. I want posts filled with photos of my girls. I want to capture their moments more often than just on the weekend. I’m gonna start now.
A weekend of firsts
As you all know, Hannah had her first dance competition of the season this weekend. It was her first time to perform a solo on stage. Like ever. IN HER LIFE. It was huge for me. I think it was probably bigger for me than for her. She was cool and calm Saturday morning and it totally did not phase her that she was going to be dancing alone on the stage in front of a lot of people. And judges. JUDGES. People who are judging what you’re doing. That was MAJOR pressure for me. Apparently NOT for her. So, the morning began with getting her ready to do this solo. She was all smiles. So was her doll, Chloe, in her matching warm ups. Yes I had those made. Y’all know me. This should not shock you.
So then came the dance. I sent her backstage with her teacher and went to watch in the audience. They hired a professional photographer to take photos of this. I’m totally ok with this and having to pay for the photos because there was no way I would have been able to take my own anyway. MAJOR ANXIETY. She walked out on that stage and did her thing. She did me SO proud.
So after she finished I ran back to greet her backstage. She came running up to me and threw her arms around me and I hugged her and wiped tears away from my eyes and told her how proud I was of her while she said over and over again “I DID IT! I DID IT MAMA!” It was such an amazing moment. Then she said “Mom, I saw one of the judges nodding yes at me when I was dancing like I was doing good.” I know that just did it for her. What else did it for her?
She had another dance after her solo- her group dance to Charlie and the Chocolate factory.
I didn’t buy any photos from this dance though. I will at the next competition. Btw, W for Wonka. How cute is that?
And so after the high of all that, we got home and relaxed Saturday. Yesterday afternoon Livie decided that she was tired of not being in the spotlight and decided to take 2 steps for us. And also decided that she didn’t need to pull up anymore and figured it’s probably easier to just stand up right from the floor. I did get a picture of this but it’s so crappy since it was taken with my phone in the dark but suffice to say, it was magical.
My children brought me so much joy this weekend. A lot of people think that kids can’t live without their parents. Well, I can’t live without my kids.
Someone pass me a Xanax
I’ve never actually taken any kind of prescription Calgon take me away drugs. I will say though that Hubs says I need to be on anxiety meds. This shocks me because he usually isn’t the type to take anything and he usually thinks I exaggerate my emotions and that I’m in control of my feelings and meds won’t change that. I tend to agree with him though…that I need some drugs. I don’t think I need it on a daily basis but I think I need it for when things are just piling up. I need a “chill me the fuck out” pill. Xanax is that kinda pill, right? Just takes the edge off? Well anyway, I’m digressing.
Hannah’s first dance competition of the season is tomorrow. This means that this will be the first time ever in her life to be on the stage BY HERSELF because she’s doing a solo this year. Last year her competition dance was a group dance- a production of The Wizard of Oz. I’ll refresh your memory if you were here last year for my dance freak outs…and if not, well here’s what it looked like.
This year she’s doing the group production again. They’re doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I gotta say that the costumes and everything are just better this year. I’m super excited for that and not nervous at all…FOR THAT. For her solo…I’m freaking out. FREAKING THE FUCKITY FUCK OUT. I’m saying fuck a lot because really, no other word can encompass my feelings right now. Last week she had her private lesson for her solo like she does every week except this time she was in costume. That in itself made my stomach churn and I got nauseous and my heart raced. Just thinking about her being on the stage alone was killing me. I know she’ll do great. She loves the stage. She’s not shy. She’s always been a ham. At her recital at 3 years old she stayed on the stage longer than the rest of the girls to wave to the crowd. That’s just who she is.
That being said, I’m still freaked for tomorrow morning.
I think tomorrow morning when she gets on stage I need to sit by myself and watch quietly and pray for the best.
I promise I won’t say “fuck” either when I’m praying.
Amen.
Baffled
So I mentioned yesterday about how Hannah throws around the phrase “quitting dance” every so often and it baffles me. I don’t get why she wants to quit. I mean, when she’s NOT at dance this is how a lot of the pictures of her turn out. And if they don’t turn out like this it’s because I told her to stand normally because otherwise probably 95% of her pictures WOULD be like this.
Dance pose after dance pose after dance pose. Then when we were actually AT competition last year where she was supposed to pose and dance, I got this instead.
Yeah, so you can see why sometimes I’m totally ok with her quitting.
Until last week when she told me that she really DOES love dancing and competition and she’s not sure if she wants to quit next year. Part of me (A VERY TINY PART) wants to let her because OH EM GEE dance costs me a small fortune and she does a lot of it. She’s got a regular weekly technique class. She’s on competition team and is part of the production team. And she has a solo. All these things keep her VERY busy and keep me VERY broke. But most of me doesn’t want her to quit. She’s been dancing since she was 2. It’s been her life since before she can remember. And I know she’d regret it after about 2 months of not dancing. She’d miss her friends. She’d miss the stage. Y’all can tell that she’s a performer. She’s a ham. This is her calling. So for right now we’re going to enjoy this competition season as it starts in about 2 1/2 weeks. And once summer comes, we’ll reevaluate. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you know we’ve been down this road before with her. It all comes down to the summer and how she feels then. I really hope that although my wallet is suffering, she sticks with it and dances again next year, even if she does less of it. How can she not?
Sidenote: Just when I thought Hannah was getting all grown up on us and decision-y and independant like, she gives us this little jewel last night that reminded me that she’s still a kid.
“I don’t get why I get eye boogers every night. I don’t eat my boogers!”
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