so when i was updating yall about everything last week and i mentioned my molester uncle story…it occured to me that maybe i HADNT posted about it. if i did, sorry for the repeat. w/o going into too much detail, when i was 10 my uncle who picked me and my sister up from school (his kids, my cousins, went to school with us too), molested me. i was playing double dragon on nintendo (LOVED THAT GAME) and he sent my sister and my cousins out to play outside, sat me on his lap and touched my butt under my shorts. it never got further than that, although it probably would have, but i got way nervous and knew it was wrong and i ran to the bathroom. when i got home that night i told my mom about it. which in turn she told my dad and called my aunt and uncle to tell them what i told her. my uncle denied it…said i was lying…said i had a crazy imagination. long story short, it caused a HUGE rift in the family. we no longer rode with him…me and my sis were back in after school care that my mom was trying to avoid paying for….we didn’t go over to their house for years. my dad was on the verge of killing him….and i was in counseling. i honestly wasn’t THAT shook up over it back then. like i think the counseling wasn’t really necessary. i think that if more had happened, maybe so. but my mom thought it’d be good for me and counseling never hurt anyone so i went. many things about my childhood are foggy as they are with many of us…we only remember certain things….few things stand out to us. well this whole process totally stands out to me. the whole telling my mom thing…being examined by the doc to make sure that nothing else happened…even how the building that i went to counseling in and what my counseler looked like. i remember it all. and while this whole thing isn’t something i dwell on everyday, it’s definitely something i won’t ever forget. so you can imagine how totally thrown off i was when he felt the need to apologize all these years later…after accusing me of lying 16 years ago. all i could say was “ok thanks” to him but i really wanted to shout DID EVERYONE HEAR THAT?! and have him tell MY MOTHER he was sorry too. and if my dad was still alive, i really would have called him to tell him right then and there. but he’s still a pussy and he secretly says sorry because he knew i wouldn’t make a big production out of it. what a selfish apology though—because it didn’t make me feel better at all. it just made me more angry because before he said that i thought maybe he was just THAT crazy…that maybe he blocked it outta his mind. but to know that he’s thought about it all this time like I have, and insisted on living normally instead, is beyond me. he’s lucky there’s such a thing as statute of limitations for these kinds of things…and that i’m really not THAT affected by it that i would even care to….because otherwise, he’d have a nice set of charges pressed on him. pervert.

for my sister…yeah the knocked up one. i keep hearing about this idiot boyfriend of hers…and what a total loser he is. and how much they fight. and how idiotic their whole situation is. and yet she’s still being a typical kid, even though to me 19 is way too old to be acting like this, but she’s all defiant and refuses to live with my mom with this baby. she wants to move out. live with this no job/no car moron. i dunno how she’ll pull that off since i’m almost positive her job at pizza hut wont pay the bills. and now i’m hearing even more about this guy…things i dont like–and my mom swears that he’s got mental issues…like he’s crazy. and not very smart. so great. great genes to add to the pool. because even though my sister has not ONE ounce of comment sense…she is very book smart. and intelligent. she just hides it all away behind her selfishness. you would think that she’d think about her child and maybe do whats best for it… wow what a concept. perhaps stay at my moms and let my mom help her as much as she can…and get a better job. and leave this idiot of a dad. because i guarantee you if she leaves him, he’ll be outta the picture totally. i dont think he wants to be a dad anyway but he feels bad dumping her when he knocked her up. who knows. so i leave for ohio in like 3 1/2 weeks. and i plan to have a come to jesus meeting with dear sister about responsibility…and how hard it is with a new baby…especially being so young. and maybe, MAYBE, talk some sense into her if i’m talking to her in person because talking to her on the phone is like talking to a wall.

*sigh*

all this would just be made right again if it was ME that was pregnant.

see, i can turn this all around to benefit me. how unselfish am i??? talk about the pot calling the kettle black. heh. most of my issues with this are legit. the whole situation is whack. but i can’t help but admit a TAD bit of jealousy which i’m sure she’d love to hear cuz she never thought her big sis would ever be jealous of her. but i find it unfair that SHE gets to be pregnant when i WANT to be.