Sense
so in the midst of all this happiness i couldn’t help but think of my dad. when i called my mom to tell her she was having another grandkid it was like 2nd nature for me to think that i had to call my dad. it’s been almost a year since he’s been gone…and while i rarely called him to just talk, i DID call him when big things happened…such as us being pregnant. and i couldn’t this time. it stung. i still think about my dad every single day. when he was alive i sure didn’t…doesn’t make sense, does it?
Tragic
i’m not sure how many of you listen to christian music or know of christian artists….but i grew up listening to it and still do occasionally. anyway i heard this morning that steven curtis chapman lost his 5 year old little girl last night. his teenage son accidently hit her with his car in their driveway and she didn’t make it. i can’t even wrap my head around something this tragic…this horrible. what that family must be going through….i just can’t even imagine. i don’t even know how you begin to cope with it…or how that son will even begin to forgive himself for that. it’s terrible. it’s horrible. and yet, steven himself has a song called With Hope that talks about how you have hope through tragic deaths like this…that yes we feel the loss and we had so many plans for the person we lost and we miss them but we know we’ll see them again in heaven and this goodbye is not forever….
i heard this news on the radio this morning and right after they announced it a woman called in and said that she lost her daughter last year to a drunk driver. and then this year her sister lost HER son to another drunk driver. and she said that the only way they both made it through this was because God carried them. and i cried when i heard that because she spoke words of truth to me…and while many people might blame God for something so tragic, I along with many other christians seek God through tragedy because He is the one that carries us through to the end of it.
i know that not everyone is a christian or believes what i believe- and lord knows that my life certainly isn’t a shining example. but honestly i sometimes can’t grasp how people that aren’t believers make it through such horrific things because i know the second things start to get messy in my life i immediately turn to God and prayer to make it through. but for something like this—-i just pray that steven seeks comfort in his own words to make it through.
and for all of you that might not necessarily agree with me, you can at least agree that life is short…and life is fast and life is rushed and we sometimes take the people we love for granted. go home and kiss your babies a little extra tonight…and hug your husband or wife or mom or sister a little longer. Because we just never know when they might be taken from us.
Not sure what to say
i debated on even blogging about this for the sake of privacy and what not. but since it affects me so much i wasn’t sure how i could NOT blog about it. morgan, my bff, lost her father on monday. much like the same way i lost my dad. suddenly and w/o warning. and earthshakingly devastating. morgan’s dad and my dad could have been twins. they both worked hard when they were younger…got too attached to the bottle…and blew it the last few years they were alive. me and morgan would spend hours a week at lunch or wherever talking about our dads and their shortcomings and how our lives were affected by them. once my dad died 9 months ago today actually we talked about our dads even more. because mine was gone…and hers was not. and she still struggled with just how to let him back in her life—and i offered no great advice on that since i had not let my dad back into mine really.
my dad’s birthday was also on monday. so on sunday i was actually thinking about morgan’s dad and how i was glad at least he was still alive…and hoping that he’d stay alive for a long time to give them a chance to mend things so she could avoid the issues that i deal with daily since my father has been gone. and it’s just so crazy that as my dad died on my birthday, her dad died on my dad’s birthday. we couldn’t stress enough how much our dad’s were alike…right down to their love for music and musical talent. i grieve for her…and with her. because i know exactly what she’s going through. and i know just how hard these next few weeks will be for her. i wasn’t close to her father but my heart still breaks because i just did this…i just buried my dad…i just went through these emotions…i just went through the weeks and months after sitting at home wondering if i should have done things differently….wondering what might have been…missing his singing…missing his music. and now she has to do the same thing.
i haven’t seen her since this all happened. mostly because she’s been so busy planning everything and entertaining out of town guests. but tonight is the visitation and tomorrow is the funeral. i will see her both times. and i know the second i see her face, we’ll both break down.
Hollywood….wtf????
i didn’t even mention last week the fact that brad renfro died. that in itself bummed me out because i’ve liked that kid since he was in the client. and i really REALLY liked the movie Deuces Wild. and right when i finally accept that he died, i hear yesterday that heath ledger died. heath ledger…now, talk about an actor who i’ve grown to love. i’ve seen many of his movies and i totally respect him as an actor. he was so versatile and just so easy to love on films. i’m a major tv/movie geek and to me, hollywood actors dying is a BIG deal. a lot of people are wondering why some of us are so bummed when we dont even know these people personally. but its like we do. because we hear about them all the time. and we see them all the time. we know their kids names…who their best friends are…where they like to go out to eat. it IS a loss to us, even if we didnt know them personally. i feel so bad for matilda, heaths daughter…and i can’t even imagine what michelle williams is going through losing the father of her child. totally shook me up yesterday. i own two of heaths movies (the 4 feathers and the patriot)…i think i might watch one this weekend in his honor….RIP heath.
is she NOT a spitting image of her daddy???? makes me so sad she’ll grow up w/o him.
for the love of god britney please get your act together. and amy winehouse, you too.
Death and the holidays
a few days ago i started making my list of who i needed to send christmas cards to. and i got to my dads name and added him to my list and then it hit me that no, i wont be sending my dad a christmas card this year. or any year anymore. and i got really sad. my dad dying has been a total emotional roller coaster for me and i want off. its so hard because i wish i could just feel ONE specific way about it. like when matts grandpa died a few years ago, i was sad about it and i still miss him. with my dad its like i go between being so sad and then feeling noncholant about it. and then i feel guilty for not always feeing bad and so then i feel bad about that. its sad for me right now because christmas was one time of the year that i always liked my dad..he was always happy and excited to have the whole family over and play music and sing all night long. he had a gorgeous voice and he played the guitar beautifully. he mainly sang spanish songs and even if i couldn’t understand them when i was young i enjoyed watching and listening to him. thats something i will always miss. and i cant help but feel an emptiness inside when i think about christmas and him not being here. its not even that i’ve even been home for christmas since i moved away. but i always said i would go back soon and listen to him play. and now that option is not there for me. i hate death and how it takes options away. like i probably only talked to my dad like 3 times a year. but i still want the damn option you know? i dont even have the option to call him anymore. but when i DID have the option, i didn’t take advantage of it. i dont have the option to go home and listen to him sing or not. it sucks. so i try to make myself feel better and think of why he WAS a shitty dad and WHY i never took advantage of the time i had with him…and think of times he drove us around drunk—or the times my mom called the cops on him cuz he was crazy—or the times the cops called my mom cuz he was arrested…or heck the times my mom piled all 3 of girls in the car to go visit him in jail. yeah fun times and all things i will never ever forget. but the fact still remains…christmas was always a good time with dad. and its christmas time now. and he’s not here. and i miss him.
Daddy issues
so my dads death has been alot harder on me than i thought it would. and i’ve not blogged about it really because i’ve been trying to sort things out in my head before i put it all down here. we weren’t close. everyone knew this. we both knew it. and i honestly for some crazy reason thought that my dad dying wasn’t gonna be a huge life changing ordeal for me when it happened. i couldn’t have been more wrong. i some how forgot that hello, i’m human. and yeah, he’s my dad. its gonna hurt. alot. and its not so much regret or guilt…we made our peace and had the best relationship we could have had the past year. but its moreso just the fact that he’s gone. i wont hear him play his guitar anymore..Nettie will never hear him play….he wont be at our christmas functions anymore…i wont see him when i go home to visit anymore…he’s really actually gone. 2 weeks ago it finally did hit me and i sobbed my eyes out for a while. and after that i felt alot better but the pain is still there. i guess its the fact that i’ve lost a parent…the person thats responsible for my being here…i’ve never lost someone so closely related to me before and i just had no idea how it would impact me. then i got even more upset because i looked for hours for pictures of me and my dad or my dad and Nettie and i came up with like 3 of me and him, 2 from my wedding and one of him and Nettie when she was 2 months old. that made me so sad because i couldn’t believe that i didn’t have more pictures of him with us. and i have to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault that our relationship was the way it was and thats why i didn’t have tons of pictures. and that in itself upsets me because i guess him being gone means that there’s no more chances to work further on us. its just like we were going 100 mph down this road to improvement and then all of a sudden the road drops off suddenly into a ravine. he died so suddenly with no time for anyone to say anything to him before he went. and i’m just glad i told him i loved him when i did. still wish i could have one last time before he went into surgery. it’s gonna take some time to heal, i’ve now realized. i’ve never had a death impact me so much…its all new to me.
Meant to post earlier
i wanted to link back to the post i did earlier this year where i said some nice things about my dad
seeing the the picture i posted in there brought tears in my eyes. i dont think it has fully set in my brain that he really is gone.
i know me and my dad weren’t close like me and my mom or me and Hubs or me and morgan are…but i’ve still never lost anyone so close to me family wise before…or so suddenly before either. *sigh*
glad tomorrow is a new day.
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