“Stupid ducks!”
Before I even get into what the title of this post is about I have to say one quick thing.
She actually came home in a good mood from school yesterday which is a rare thing these days. School is a constant fight with this kid and I’m already counting down til summer break. I hate to want to rush her childhood but I also find myself counting down til she graduates high school and the school fight will be over…..until I realized that the hormones have begun to rage and my child is slowly enterting Tweendom. She ran upstairs as soon as she came home to get her purse before we went to Nana’s for our daily coffee date while the cousins play.
Her play purses used to have toys and junk in them. Her real Coach purse now has her iPhone, make up, and perfume in it. When I think of this, it kind of balances my whole hurry up with school mentality. By balance I mean knocks it straight to the ground.
So today it’s just me, Liv, and Mr. Mans. I decided that since it’s a gorgeous, clear, 70 degree day we needed to be outside doing something…anything. I remembered that we haven’t been to the little lake by our house in ages and that there are ducks there. Livie has a strange obsession with ducks lately..well with all animals really…so off the 3 of us went to feed the ducks.
I gave Livie the last of our hotdog buns and as I carried the baby in one arm I followed behind her with my camera in the other. We hollered for the ducks. We tempted them with a few little bread scraps. I threw those stupid pieces of bread as far as I could without throwing me and the baby in the lake with it. Did the ducks even look at us once? Nope. Our duck feeding was a major fail.
Little bastards.
At this point I told Livie “Come on. Let’s just go back home and watch Toy Story. They don’t want the food.” She looks at them, throws the rest of the pieces of bread in the water and says “Stupid ducks!”
And the baby? Well all he cared about was the toy on the blanket next to him that he couldn’t quite reach.
We packed up our stuff and on the way back to the car Livie tells me “Mama, I loved feeding the ducks!!!”
Coulda fooled me, kiddo.
Lesson of the day: Ducks don’t give a crap about bread.
Midweek Instagram holla:
At least it’s a pretty day.
On being proud
Tuesday evening Hannah had her first horseback riding competition at the fairgrounds. We saddled up around 3 and spent 7 hours in the sun and heat and it was worth every second of it.
When Hannah danced, I’d tear up every single time she got on stage. It never got old. Even when she competed and was on stage way more often, my pride would get to me and I’d choke back tears. I never thought that it’d be that way with riding horses. There is no stage. There’s no major prep with make up and outfits and shoes. I was so very wrong. The pride…it’s still there. Probably even more than before because this is her passion and it’s something great to be able to give your child what they dream of…especially when we never thought she’d really ever be able to ride horses let alone compete. We found an amazing teacher with even more amazing rates for all of this stuff. And Hannah? She rode. 
And speaking of being proud…Livie is so proud of Hannah too. She was all smiles and “YAY!” and ” Wow! Mama she riding fast! WHOA!” the whole night. So much so that by the end we kind of wished we had video of her excitement.
Proud of her sister…
She rode in four competitions and while this was her first time and maybe she didn’t do as well as she planned…she rode with pride herself because she knows this is what she’s supposed to be doing. She’s a cowgirl at heart and she’s turning her yankee Ohio mom into one too.
I’m proud of both of my girls and the relationship they’ve formed. Hannah may say her sister is a brat but she heard her cheering for her and loved showing her what was what on the horse and telling her when she gets bigger she can ride like her too. My heart was about to burst. Proud of Livie too because she loves her big sister and knows big sister knows more than she does. But me? Sometimes I think she thinks she knows more than I do. Example: today. Got her dressed all cute to spend the day with Nana while I took the bigger kids swimming at the pool.
Smiles perfectly fine on her own. When I TELL her to smile? I get a big fat “NOOOOOO!!!” instead.
But if anyone asks, she’s still my sweet girl. They both are. Pride. It’s what I’m full of right now.
We leave for the lake this weekend so there won’t be a blog post til later next week. Y’all enjoy your weekend and week next week. I’ll be back with much more and until then, yeehaw!
Ups and Downs
It’s no secret to anyone that knows me or reads this blog that Hannah and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. Some days we get along great and have so much fun. Other days we are constantly bickering and I’m sitting on my couch wondering how I’ll survive another 10 years of this. She’s got a very strong personality and she’s very head strong and stubborn and it’s just not always a great combination. But I love her and I never want her to know anything less from me.
So on Monday when she was sick and I decided to call into work to stay home with her she was very excited. Later on that day she told The Man she was surprised that I did that because “mom doesn’t pay attention to me.”
…………………………………
*blink*
When The Man told me she said that, I almost fainted. It took my breath away, I choked back tears…I just sat there with a blank expression on my face. I almost told him that I wished he didn’t even tell me that because oh my gosh! Pretty much the worst feeling a mother could ever feel about herself. My kid thinks I don’t notice her. My kid thinks everything else is more important to me than her. What went wrong? I knew I was somewhat lacking in mothering skills because I get home and I’m grouchy and tired and adding Livie into the mix 2 years ago REALLY changed the dynamic of how we did things in our house. I knew she was struggling with not being the only child anymore…but really? I’m the only person she said this about.
That stung. That stabbed me so deeply. I was instantly grateful I called into work. I also decided at that moment that I wasn’t going to miss any more of her chapel performances or anything where she’s the center of attention. I decided to do A LOT of things differently. I have to, right? My daughter thinks I don’t pay attention to her. Major, huge FAIL.
Later on that day, she hugged me and told me she was so glad I stayed home just for her to take care of her. She told me I was the best mommy ever. Then she wrote me this note.
“I love you because you are my mommy. It is great that God made you.”
Melted my heart. And then, it made me feel worse for a second…only a second…because I realized that that was all it took to get that from her. A day off where she knew it was JUST for her.
This weekend I’m surprising her with a Selena Gomez concert which is going to make her estatic. It will be just me and her. I’m so glad I planned this months ago because we so need it right now.
Hannah pushes my buttons. She crosses the line a lot. We butt heads. But she’s still my baby…my first baby who made me a mom and not just my mom’s baby anymore. Livie is a lot of work and she’s only 2 so she requires more attention. But I need to remember more often that I have another child who requires attention too…more of it actually.
See what I mean? This mom thing is so hard. So, so hard. I keep waiting until the day I can say “FINALLY! I have this all figured out!” Now I see though that that day will never come. I will always be figuring it out day after day. I’ll continue to make mistakes and feel like crap and then attempt to make up for it. But then there’ll be days like this Sunday when I see her smile and I know I made her whole year.
I can’t wait.
Happy 8th Birthday
Dear Hannah,
Since I began this blog it’s been my tradition to write you a letter on your birthday. This is the first year that I’m considering letting you read it. I always figured you’d read these later when you’re older and will appreciate them more but I’m thinking that you would appreciate it now…at least this year. I went through 720 pictures for this blog post. That’s how many pictures I’ve taken of you this year. 720.
You started your year with 2 missing teeth. You were in 1st grade. You were still dancing but dreaming of horses. It seems like yes, some things have changed but yet some things have remained the same.
I said in my last post that you and I have been on this motherhood journey together for these 8 years. You have a part of my soul that no one else will ever have…not even your sister who I love just as much as you. But I love you both differently, yet equally. You were the one that made me a mother. You were the one that began this journey for us both. You were the one who taught me what it’s like to love someone so much you think you might die from the intensity. You were the one who has taught me the ultimate patience of keeping it together while the person you love the most in this world tests you beyond your limits. It’s not been an easy road for us…but we’re learning together.
We’ve had many talks this year about your attitude and about my yelling and through it all every night we hug each other and give each other a kiss as I tuck you in, no matter how bad our day has been. I know we’ll always have a rough road. We will always clash because you’re just so head strong. You as the child and me as the parent, this doesn’t work so well. But you as the adult you’ll one day be? It’s going to be your BEST trait. I wish I had that trait, trust me. You are braver and stronger and more self confident than I ever will be.
You gave up dancing this year. It made me sad because earlier in the year you were amazing. You got your first trophies and did your first solo and totally kicked butt. I was so proud of you and every time you got on stage my heart stopped beating and my face was locked in a smile while I choked back tears. You were amazing and beautiful.
You are so beautiful. I realize a mother is biased toward their kids but this is not a biased opinion. And even if co workers or friends or other family didn’t tell me that daily, I’d still know it was true. You know this though. You know how truly gorgeous you are and I never want you to forget that, no matter how “fat” you think you are one day or how many boys tease you in school.
Your sister turned 1 this year and you tried your hardest to create a bond with her. She was no longer the tiny baby you could hold and cuddle. She was mobile and developed her own (HUGE like you) personality and decided at some point that her big sister annoyed her. It really hurt your feelings and it broke my heart but you, being you, pressed on because you were determined to make her love you like you loved her.
And then something happened.
She changed. She started to love being around you and with you. She started to WANT to play and WANT to run around with you. It made my heart feel like it was going to explode because THAT was exactly what I had always pictured when I dreamed of mine and your dad’s lives together.
You’ve had an amazing year. You traveled and saw things you never saw before. You laughed and cried and struggled.
You yelled and screamed and hugged and kissed. You made us laugh. You made us frustrated.
But never once have I EVER wanted the real you to change. The you that smiles shyly before laughing hysterically. The you that makes up jokes. The you that gets so excited about anything iCarly, Selena Gomez, or the Jonus Brothers.
The you that loves make up and jewelry and nail polish. The you that wants to help me do housework.
The you that took care of me this year when I was SO so sick and couldn’t do anything for myself….the you that made bottles for your sister and got me drinks and checked on me every 30 minutes to make sure I was ok. I will NEVER forget those few days and what you did for me when the WHOLE family was out of town and it was just us.
No matter what happens to you in your life…no matter who are your friends or who you pick to marry (which by the way takes me to a WHOLE other level of sad when I think about you getting married and leaving)…no matter what career you choose or where you go with your life, never forget this: I will ALWAYS be your biggest fan. I will always cheer you on and support you. I will always rally with you and stand up for you. I will always work to be the best mom I can for you, even it means grounding you or taking things away from you in order to teach you what’s right and make you a better person. Being a good parent means upsetting your kids every now and then because WE know what’s best for you. I’ll take those days though of you yelling “That’s not fair!” because one day you’ll hug me and tell me “Thank you”. I’m sure of this.
I love you more than life itself and I will NEVER hesitate to do anything and everything for you. It’s been 8 years, Nettie. 8 years of laughs and tears and late nights and ER visits and hugs and nail polish and make up and jewelry and homework and LIFE. 8 years, you and me.
Happy birthday, baby.
Someone is turning 8…
on Saturday.
I can hardly believe it’s been years and years since these photos were taken. I can hardly believe she’s going to be 8 in less than 2 days. She will wake up with a beaming smile on Saturday and proclaim that she’s 8 which means she’s MUCH older and therefore knows MUCH more. She’s already insisted on this. On Saturday we are taking her to a Broadway dance show and she has no idea. There’ll be many pictures on Saturday.
Y’all. My baby is going to be 8 in 2 days. 4 seemed old. 7 seemed REALLY old. But 8? 8 seems impossible. And yet, here she is. My beautiful newborn has grown up on me.
Stay tuned for a birthday post for her on Saturday. Until then I will spend my time looking at pictures of her through teary eyes because Hannah and I, we’ve been on this journey together. This motherhood journey. She made me a mother. We’ve paved this road together….
… for 8 years.
Happy Christmas
Totally off topic but that John Lennon song “Happy Christmas” is one of my favorites. If you don’t know what it is, look it up. It’s fab.
Anyway, Christmas is a month long celebration in our family and since I adore Christmas, I love it all. I love that we do something every weekend for Christmas. I love that I ordered the cutest clothes for the girls on Etsy for Christmas to wear all month long. I love all the Christmas trees and decorations and Christmas foods. And this year I’m even loving that I’m shredding through the Christmas season because I swear I’ve munched and snacked much more than normal but how can I not when people walk around with delicious goodies EVERY DAMN DAY?! I’m still losing weight amazingly so even though I hate her, I love her, that Jillian Michaels.
Saturday was Hannah’s birthday party. Her birthday isn’t until the 18th but like every year, I like to have her party a few weeks before her birthday so it’s not right before Christmas. I like to separate her birthday from Christmas. It makes it more special.
This year for the first time ever I didn’t have her party at our house or my MIL’s house. She wanted to invite her school friends and it’s just too hard to have all those kids there AND family crammed into our houses. Plus this made it easier on me to not have to prepare much ahead or clean up much after AND it was 2 hours and bam, it’s done. At home parties end up being 6 or 7 hours because you decorate before and clean up after.
As always she made out with tons of gifts, including this gift we got her. The Fur Real Go GO pup that walks and barks. She’s been asking for this for months. She was so excited.
Yesterday we took the annual kids’ Christmas pictures. Every year I take about 100 pictures and maybe 10 are usable, good pictures. The rest are hilarious and we look at them over and over and laugh. There’s always a cryer which before Livie was born was The Man’s cousin’s kids but now that Livie is here she’s joined in with the cryers. There’s always one or two kids looking away and another picking their nose or grabbing their head. They’re classic. I usually don’t post pictures of other people’s kids on my blog but sometimes I have to make an exception.
This is one of those times.
This was the 1st picture I took. Right off the bat, Liv is screaming.
I love this one solely because Hannah’s head cocked to the side like that was so stinkin cute and SO her.
I really like this one of the girls and now I really wish I would have waited to design my Christmas cards til after this shoot. I assumed that I wouldn’t get one good picture of them together but I was wrong. I’m considered ordering wallets of this shot and putting them in with my Christmas cards but then I thought that 98% of the people I send cards to are on my Facebook anyway so they’ll see it.
And you know she couldn’t let the shoot go without at least one picture of that sassy face of hers. Too bad she doesn’t realize that I actually love it when she makes that face. It makes me laugh.
I hope you all had a good weekend and that you’re taking pictures of your kids this month. They’re only young once and you won’t regret having them when they’re grown.
I let her quit
Yesterday I let Hannah quit dance.
Typing that sentence makes me tear up.
I’m in denial for the moment that her dancing through school and into college was MY dream, not hers. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
Hannah’s been dancing since she was 2.5 years old. She had her first recital when she was 3. She’s competed in a team dance. She competed all by herself and got trophies for her solo. She’s beautiful to watch on the stage. She was excited to start dancing again after having the summer off. But after 1 week of class, she was asking to quit again. I told her to stick it out for a month and then I’d ask her how she felt again. She began classes for her solo for this year. She seemed like she was really liking it again. But the past 2 weeks she’s started complaining again and so I stuck with my end of our deal and asked her, since it’s October now, if she wanted to quit dance. She told me yes. I explained everything this meant…how if she ever did want to dance again she’d be behind her friends…that Livie will be starting dance in a year and a half (OMG I KNOW!) and she’ll probably want to dance again…..that she’d have to give up her solo which she actually DOES enjoy if she really does want to quit her other once a week technique class…I went down a laundry list of what all of this meant. And after a ten minute discussion and a heartbroken look on my face she told me “Mom, I’ve been dancing since I was 3 years old. I need a break. It’ll be ok. You’ll get over it.”
She was so matter of fact. And she’s right. I will get over it. I keep hoping that maybe Livie will love it and will be my dancer. I realize that this is just me living out my childhood fantasy. My mom couldn’t afford to send me or my sisters to dance classes and I listened with jealousy as my friends talked about their dance classes. It’s all I wanted to do as a kid.
I know she will probably regret this decision one day. Maybe she won’t. Maybe she’ll dance again. Maybe she won’t. But I didn’t want to keep paying (a lot mind you) for something she doesn’t really want to do. I told her she can have this year off but come fall next year she’s doing some kind of other activity. She needs to be involved in something besides just school and playing at home.
I have a folder in my Flickr for all her dance stuff.
I was looking at it earlier this morning and got all sad again. I can’t believe I’m being SUCH a baby about this but I admit I am. When I emailed her teachers about her quitting, one of them told me that they hoped she would come back soon because she was one of her favorites to watch on the stage.
Oh, how I agree.
I’m going to miss this.
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