2 years
2 years ago Livie was almost 2 months old when I heard about Maddie Spohr passing away suddenly on this day.
Last year on this day I blogged about Maddie and told Heather and Mike Spohr that they are in my thoughts and prayers.
Today, I’m doing the same. Every year I will continue to honor and remember Maddie Spohr on this day.
How I spent this week
Tuesday night I went to see a friend who just had a baby. Last week I started having the aches for wanting another baby. And you women who have ever felt that ache know exactly what I mean. I watch Livie run around and say new words everyday and my mind wanders back to the days when she was a newborn. I started to crave that feeling again…to be pregnant again (we all know how much I love being pregnant) and to rock a nursing baby to sleep. But then this weekend happened and Livie was HORRIBLE at a restaurant and so then I quickly decided that it’s better to hold other people’s newborns and not have anymore of my own. I don’t think my stress levels, or my literal heart, could take it. So when I held my friend’s baby the aches were not there and I was grateful. Intead I kissed her little head and cuddled her close and breathed her in. It was magical.
My friend’s sister was over and she took these pictures of me and the baby. I’m so glad she did.
Yesterday I had my doctor’s appointment. I got some pretty good news while I was there which was nice for a change. First of all, my blood pressure was a rocking 122/83 which is WAY lower than the last time when it was 155/99. This means my medication is working and she sees no reason to change my dosage. WOOT! I also got my b12 shot while I was there and the nurse showed me how to do it so I feel better about The Man doing my next shot next month. The doctor said my heart enlargement/valve leakage issue is minor enough to where we’re not going to do anything about it now. She said she’ll continue to watch it and we’ll do another ECG in a year. She’s having me come in in 2 months for repeat bloodwork to make sure my vitamin levels are back up to par and after that it’ll be every 3 months that she’ll have to see me. I’m relieved that things are settling down and evening out.
So after all of that I had an evening with my girls to look forward to.
Hannah didn’t have any homework last night so she decided to play school. She amazes me that she hates school so much but loves to play school any chance she can get. I think it’s the whole authority thing. She gets to be the teacher…the boss. She thrives on that.
And I think it’s cute because Liv plays right along with her.
Then again, most of the time she’s got her own agenda. Like:
Now she says “cheese” for me as soon as she sees the camera. Not that she actually smiles at the right time but she knows what she’s supposed to do.
But sometimes she does.
When she plays with her baby and says things like “Come here baby. Awwww” and rubs her doll’s cheeks.
And lately she’s been very inerested in reading. It’s probably because Hannah is always sitting around reading a book or trying to read to Livie.
Who needs those “my baby can read at 6 months old” videos anyway?
This weekend we have a date night out to see The Space Rockers again. Super excited. Girls night dinner on Saturday and Sunday I have a photo session. This is my first session in a long time and definitely going to be my LAST session…for like ever probably. Unless I get to quit this job and actually do the stay at home mom thing which honestly is not even an option in my head anymore…which makes me very sad but I try not to think about that. Either way, the weekend is going to be good and I’m ready for it!
Also, I’d like to send out a very happy birthday to Maddie Spohr. She would have been 3 today. Lots of love and hugs to Heather, Mike and Annie today as they remember beautiful Maddie.
Simply put…
But not simply understood or accepted….Much love and thoughts and prayers and hugs to Heather and Mike today, tomorrow…this whole week. Thinking of you both lots.
But mostly, thinking of Maddie.
2 years old
Today Maddie would have been 2 years old. My heart goes out to Heather and Mike everyday….but especially today. As a gift to her on her birthday, I’m sponsoring a NICU support pack. Even if we all just donate a little bit today—what a tremendous impact that will have.
Happy birthday Maddie. Won’t you be her friend?
Speaking of empathy…appreciation
I’ve blogged about this before, but my life changed after I learned about Maddie Spohr and read tons and tons of posts on Heather’s blog. Maddie’s story IS life changing. It SHOULD change your life. And really, anytime I hear about people who have lost their children it breaks my heart. It’s my empathy kicking in again. I know that hearing things like this makes anyone sad. But for me it’s something I think about every day. Everyday I hold my babies and I wonder what life would be like without them. I wonder how I’d go on after burying my babies. Or watching them suffer with illnesses. I know I shouldn’t think about these things but I can’t help it. I have a very vivid imagination and my mind wanders and I constantly think of what if’s. Those what if’s are what make me appreciate things so much more. Maddie left us 2 months after I had Livie. Here I was elbow deep in puke and poop and sleepless nights and wondering if I’d ever make it out alive. Then I heard about Maddie. I engulfed myself in Heather’s blog. Talk about feeling like such a total unappreciative asshole. I knew that Heather would give anything to be elbow deep in poop and deliriously tired. And since then I’ve tried to live differently. I’ve tried to appreciate the sleepless nights because that means that I have my baby with me still. I try to appreciate all the times I argue with Hannah or sit and do homework for what seems like hours because at least I have my baby here to do those things with. Sometimes it takes tragedies to make you realize what you have. It’s sad, but true. Heather posts pictures and video of Maddie often. In fact she did today from when they took Maddie to the pumpkin patch last year. I’m already a camera whore. Y’all know this. Livie’s been alive 8 months and I have over 600 photos of her. I have almost 3000 of Hannah. If only I had a digital camera before Hannah was 2 1/2. I just can’t even imagine how many MORE pictures of her I’d have. After reading a post one day from Heather where she talked about dreading the day she ran out of pictures of Maddie to post…wow. Just wow. Something you just don’t even think about until you read it. After that I kicked it up even more. I try to take pictures of the girls a few days a week. I post them to facebook. I put them ALL in flickr. I email them out to family. I post them here. I put them everywhere I am. God forbid something should ever happen to either one of them…I never want to run out of pictures to post.
6 months
Today is October 7. It’s been 6 months since sweet Maddie Spohr became an angel. Back in April it was hard to NOT hear about Maddie. I wasn’t on twitter yet but a lot of my blogging friends were. When I heard about Maddie, my heart broke. Later, I caught up on every single post Heather wrote since the day she lost her baby. I read archived posts about Maddie when she was still alive. I watched video after video and went through Heather’s flickr stream. I couldn’t learn enough about her. After that I asked y’all to please support other families with babies in the NICU through an organization that is named after sweet Maddie. I have a button on my sidebar for Friends of Maddie. Both my girls were born premature. Granted, I was 36 weeks with both of them but they were both healthy. I can’t imagine having my babies in the NICU. Or not being able to bring them home with me when I left the hospital. Heather had to do that all. And not just once. I read Heather’s blog everyday. She inspires me. She’s finding a way to move on and build a new life with their new baby that’s on the way while still honoring and missing and loving the baby that she lost. I can’t imagine life without my girls. Yet Heather gives me a glimpse of how it’s possible to still breathe after. Painfully breathe but breathe nonetheless. It’s been 6 months that Maddie left the world. 6 months since I first heard her name. I never knew her. I don’t know Heather or Mike personally…but their child has moved me. I hope she moves you too.
Maddie's brother or sister
i honestly can’t get enough of maddie. i read and re-read all of heather’s posts about her over at the spohrs are multiplying. i’ve been so addicted to their story for months now so when i read yesterday about maddie getting a baby brother or sister early next year, my heart swelled. i know that she’ll be watching from heaven and be the best big sister from up there. i also know that it’s a bittersweet time for heather and mike because they do want another baby and they so wish maddie could be here. the spohrs are on my mind a lot…and now they will be even more as we wait for this new baby to arrive. send prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy for them. congratulations heather and mike!
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