My day
Friday morning The Man called me and asked me if I was going to get the ring I had been eyeballing for a couple weeks for Mother’s Day. He wanted to be sure I had a gift for my day.
By the way, I may or may not have said “I believe this is MY day!” a few times. I even stole my friend’s line and said “Happy MY day!” because it was.
I look forward to Mother’s Day every year. Although my family honors me more than just 1 day a year, it’s the 1 day that I can walk around and not only opt out of chores or dishes or cooking but also to really take time to appreciate being blessed like I have been. See, Mother’s Day isn’t totally about my being honored for being a good mom to my girls. It’s also a day I focus on BEING that mom to my girls and all that I have because I’m their mom.
I will admit that the kids tested my limits A LOT this week. Livie has been in a crying/whining phase out of nowhere and if I never heard her cry over us turning off one of her TV shows again, it’d be too soon. She also was sick earlier this week and after another trip to the doctor where I reassured the staff it’s not a coin lodged in her throat this time but something WAS wrong, her doctor found ear infections in both her ears and giving Livie her medicine has been less than fun. Top that with Hannah’s school project due, which by the way I think is lame for a project to be due the LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL, and when I woke up yesterday I was relieved that it was in fact, MY day. I let my kids love on me. I accepted their home made cards and projects. I ordered the ring The Man asked me about, which by the way is fabulous.
I made sure I laughed a little harder at Hannah’s jokes. I cuddled Livie even though she cried a little too much for my liking. These girls are my gifts from God and they gave me the best present ever, which is being their mother. Everyone has different dreams in life, and while some women’s dreams don’t include being a mom, mine always did. I dreamt of it as a child, babying my Cabbage Patch Dolls as if they were real, live newborns. I knew how to change their diapers and rock them to sleep, giving light kisses to their plastic heads. I was destined to be a mother and on Mother’s Day every year I appreciate that gift a little extra.
My ring gets here in a few weeks and I can’t wait. I’ll look down at it and see their names and all 4 of our stones and I’ll be proud of what it stands for. I love our little family and it’s exactly what I prayed for…hard times and all.
Instagram block:
I’m @TheBecksB on there if you want to follow me!
Looking forward to another week of a little hectic, mixed with crazy, topped with smiles. So far, May is being good to us.
Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day isn’t just Mother’s Day to me. Sure, I call my mom and get gifts for the moms in our lives. I look forward to the silly card Hannah will pick out and the way she signs her name along with The Man’s and Livie’s. I get excited to see their faces as I open up my gifts. I look forward to the family dinners and the laughter over glasses of wine and delicious food. These are things that we do every year for Mother’s Day and I love them all.
But also? I reflect. I reflect quietly the whole weekend. I don’t tell anyone but I sit and watch my girls. I watch The Man and how is with them. Mother’s Day for me isn’t JUST about being a mom to my girls but being a wife to The Man because without him I wouldn’t have these girls and I’m grateful for the opportunity to be a mom to them and glad he’s the one who helped me get there.
Even the most minute of things like watching Livie color is a bit more vibrant on Mother’s Day weekend because I realize that I should never take anything for granted, even if it IS just coloring.
We made breakfast Saturday morning and I was already in reflective mode. We drank our coffee and played on our phones respectively but I sat there looking at pictures of our family and who we are and how far we have come.
Yesterday was a gorgeous, hot day outside but we all got dressed up for dinner on the island. We usually take pictures on the beach and for some reason this year none of us were feeling it. I was ok with that though because you just have to go with the flow and sometimes, yes shockingly, it’s ok to NOT take some pictures. Since I rarely feel this way, I took a few before we went to dinner, just in case.
I’ve been a mother for 8 years and these girls never cease to bring a smile to my face. Even as I edited these pictures I smiled at THEIR smiles…at their expressions…at their faces. I’m so blessed and while this journey has really only just begun for me, in some ways, it seems like a lifetime. A good lifetime. I feel like it’s been 8 full, rich years of motherhood. See? A weekend of reflecting will do that to ya…get you sappy and profound.
Some things don’t ever change though. She still has her tortilla chips.
And she’s still my dancer.
It’s a new week, y’all. Let’s bring it!
Ups and Downs
It’s no secret to anyone that knows me or reads this blog that Hannah and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. Some days we get along great and have so much fun. Other days we are constantly bickering and I’m sitting on my couch wondering how I’ll survive another 10 years of this. She’s got a very strong personality and she’s very head strong and stubborn and it’s just not always a great combination. But I love her and I never want her to know anything less from me.
So on Monday when she was sick and I decided to call into work to stay home with her she was very excited. Later on that day she told The Man she was surprised that I did that because “mom doesn’t pay attention to me.”
…………………………………
*blink*
When The Man told me she said that, I almost fainted. It took my breath away, I choked back tears…I just sat there with a blank expression on my face. I almost told him that I wished he didn’t even tell me that because oh my gosh! Pretty much the worst feeling a mother could ever feel about herself. My kid thinks I don’t notice her. My kid thinks everything else is more important to me than her. What went wrong? I knew I was somewhat lacking in mothering skills because I get home and I’m grouchy and tired and adding Livie into the mix 2 years ago REALLY changed the dynamic of how we did things in our house. I knew she was struggling with not being the only child anymore…but really? I’m the only person she said this about.
That stung. That stabbed me so deeply. I was instantly grateful I called into work. I also decided at that moment that I wasn’t going to miss any more of her chapel performances or anything where she’s the center of attention. I decided to do A LOT of things differently. I have to, right? My daughter thinks I don’t pay attention to her. Major, huge FAIL.
Later on that day, she hugged me and told me she was so glad I stayed home just for her to take care of her. She told me I was the best mommy ever. Then she wrote me this note.
“I love you because you are my mommy. It is great that God made you.”
Melted my heart. And then, it made me feel worse for a second…only a second…because I realized that that was all it took to get that from her. A day off where she knew it was JUST for her.
This weekend I’m surprising her with a Selena Gomez concert which is going to make her estatic. It will be just me and her. I’m so glad I planned this months ago because we so need it right now.
Hannah pushes my buttons. She crosses the line a lot. We butt heads. But she’s still my baby…my first baby who made me a mom and not just my mom’s baby anymore. Livie is a lot of work and she’s only 2 so she requires more attention. But I need to remember more often that I have another child who requires attention too…more of it actually.
See what I mean? This mom thing is so hard. So, so hard. I keep waiting until the day I can say “FINALLY! I have this all figured out!” Now I see though that that day will never come. I will always be figuring it out day after day. I’ll continue to make mistakes and feel like crap and then attempt to make up for it. But then there’ll be days like this Sunday when I see her smile and I know I made her whole year.
I can’t wait.
What I have to prove
Well, the healing I was so craving for the weekend didn’t exactly take place. Things with Hannah remained exactly the same. I’ve decided that I need to just really pray about this and continue to seek guidance from people who have been there/done that as far as motherhood is concerned because it’s quite apparent that whatever ideas I have suck. HAH. I’m trying to make light of this because I’m mentally exhausted. It’s now come down to pulling Hannah from dance because I pay A LOT for her to have this hobby that she used to love. Keyword being USED. I fought her a lot last year and I just decided that lately with her attitude and issues that if she’s going to be ungrateful and NOT even want to dance…why bother?! You know? I paid for September so she’ll at least dance for this month. Then we’ll reevaluate. Her staying in dance is my dream…not hers. It’s hard for me to accept this. But I will. And so after a weekend of arguing over that and a few other routine things I got NO pictures of her. “Mom, don’t take ANY pictures of me. I’m not in the mood.”
Except for this tiny moment on Saturday. “MOM! Get a picture of me and Sassie!”
*sigh*
I know we will overcome this. We will get to the other side of this HUGE mountain sometime (soon I hope) and I’ll look back and be able to make a list of all the lessons we BOTH learned. I’m looking forward to that day.
And then Livie got sick. Her nose started running Saturday evening and by yesterday she had a full on, raging cold complete with lots of this
and only a few moments of this
So to sum this all up? I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. BUT I’m determined to change this. I’m determined to change my focus and instead of everything being out of focus right now…I’m gonna rotate my lens of life and get this thing in check. I don’t like a hazy view of my life. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing what the fuck I’m doing and wondering if my children are conspiring against me. They aren’t. And I’m not an idiot. I’m not a clueless moron attempting motherhood. I AM a good mom. I will prove this to my girls.
And to myself.
First time for everything
That’s my motto today as I sit here and think about the whirlwind dance competition weekend we had and how I took NO PICTURES. Not a one. Not any of her with her costumes on. None of her with her friends. Nothing. I took some of Hannah playing in the hotel room after the competition. That doesn’t count. I feel kinda crappy about this. I totally meant to take some pictures of her with her trophy and 2 medals she won. Also didn’t get to do that. I amaze myself. Truly. It’s just not like me. But OMG the competition was just crazy and hectic and PURE INSANITY. For like the first time ever it didn’t even cross my mind that maybe I should document it with pictures.
Don’t worry. I’m not losing it. I might have a few times over the weekend (hence the no pictures) but I’m the same me. So tonight I’m vowing to get a picture of her after her dance class with her trophy and medals. I have to. Y’all are just dying to see it anyway, right? HAH.
In other news, I was gone over night and when I got home yesterday afternoon Hubs informed me that Livie took more steps and was getting braver about walking while holding onto things all over the house. I leave for ONE FREAKIN NIGHT and the kid does something new. Hello Mommy Guilt. We’re old friends. Great to see you again, you whore. It’s like I can’t win. I spend one weekend with one kid, the other kid does something. I’m sure Hubs dealt with that as well as he missed all of Hannah’s dancing to be with our other kid. BALANCE. Grrr.
Like I said—WHORES. Balance and Mommy Guilt are big fat hairy whores.
So tomorrow, to help some of my guilt, pictures will be posted of The Trophy. And of The Medals. And Hannah doing silly things in our hotel room.
The end.
My Mom
My mom doesn’t come up often here on my blog because she lives on the other side of the country and she’s not involved in my everyday life. She’s still in Ohio. I’m in Texas. I usually fly home once or twice a year but it’s NOT enough. I wish I could go home more. I miss my mom a lot when I don’t see her for long stretches. It’s been a year since I went home last. I’m going for Thanksgiving and I can’t wait.
My mom is probably the nicest person on Earth. She got married when she was 20 and had me at 23. 19 months later she had my sister and 5 years after that my baby sister came along. 3 girls. I’ve blogged a few times about my dad and his alcohol addiction. She ended up divorcing him because of it…a move I favored because I was 15 at the time and sick of his games and drinking. I had had it. I WANTED them to get a divorce. I was happy when they did. My mom busted her ass for years. She was a nurse at a nursing home. She worked 8 hours a day on her feet…drove all over town to take all of us girls where we needed to be for sports or to see our friends. Since my dad’s addiction kept him from working, she was the sole provider for us 3 girls. The school district in Cleveland sucks so she had is all in private school from day 1 til we graduated high school. That’s 13 years for 3 kids. When I was 14 my mom was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis). That’s when her whole life flipped upside down. She didn’t talk much about it with us. I think she tried to be strong and shelter us. But I can only imagine how devastated and lost she was when she realized she had a non curable, debilitating disease while she’s the only one working and a house to pay for and 3 kids to support. I think about how I’d feel about that NOW and I have a great husband…it kills me. I don’t know how my mom did it. I honestly don’t. But she did. People donated money and time. Her father helped us financially when he could. Everyone pulled together for this great woman who was just trying to make it and do right by her kids. Me. Her child. In the past 14 years her disease has become very crippling. She’s been in a wheelchair for about 10 years. She’s not able to work. I moved away. One of my sisters isn’t around much to help her. The other one has a child and is pretty busy herself. It’s just not a good situation for her up there and yet she refuses to move closer to me. I’ve begged her. She’s said no a million times. So I’ve quit asking.
MS has robbed my mom of so much. And yet her faith in God is so strong. If you ask her, she will tell you that MS has been a blessing in disguise because she has gotten so much closer to God because of it and the disease has forced her to have more faith and read her Bible more. Talk about someone who always sees the silver lining.
I admire my mom so much. She’s someone I aspire to be like daily. She’s the epitome of class, strength, and love. 42 days until I see her. I can’t wait.
*I have a button on my sidebar for the MS society. Take time to check out their site and maybe even donate to help find a cure for my mom.
Why I'm never going to be mother of the year
And why I don’t want to be.
We have cereal for dinner about once a week.
An assortment of McDonald’s and Kraft Mac and Cheese other nights.
Throw in some soup or fried rice and that’s our menu for the week.
I lose my temper with Nettie. I yell at her and have to apologize for it later.
I wash the colors and whites together.
All these things and many more are reasons I will never be THAT mom. The one that we’re all told we’re SUPPOSED to be. Well you know what? THAT mom can suck it. I need my wine at night. I need to yell at my kids. I need to vent on my blog. I need sanity. And this is how I get it. Nettie is slowly torturing me and I think she actually enjoys it. I find myself saying at least once a week that I don’t know how I’m going to raise her. Thank God I have Hubs and other family involved in this process because if I was doing it alone I fear she’d be worse. I spoil her. I make rules and once they’re broken, there is no punishment for it. I reward her with toys or treats even if she was mouthing off an hour before.
I SUCK AT THIS most times.
I know I’m doing something right though when it’s quiet at night and it’s just me and her in her bedroom. When I’m tucking her in at night and she tells me she loves me and thanks me for making her her favorite soup and letting her watch her favorite movie. When she hugs me and kisses me 3 times in a row and tells me she loves me. When she tells me she’s going to pray for me that God always helps me and protects me. When she tells me she loves her baby sister and is always going to look out for her. It’s those moments that tell me that somewhere along the line I’m doing something right. She may give me a run for my money, but she’s so sweet, so sincere. I could not be more grateful for the awesome world of blogging and twitter. I have met so many great moms who are like me…don’t have an f’ing clue what they’re doing either. And yet we all survive. We all make it.
Subscribe
You Know You Want It
I support
