motherhood

Changes

Published July 20, 2009 | By Becky

I’ve blogged a few times before about how much of a different kind of mother I am this time around. i had Nettie young…she was planned but i was only 21. and i was still very selfish. i’ve always loved her but back then if i didn’t have time alone with her i wasn’t sad. if she spent the night with Hubs’s mom, i was ok with it. heck, when she was 7 months old i sent her with Hubs’s mom to ohio to see family for TEN days and i was totally ok with that. i missed her but i was loving having 10 days baby free too. i look back to that now and i wanna kick my own ass. because i knew i was a little selfish back then but wtf? sending my 7 month old away for TEN WHOLE DAYS!? there’s no way in hell i’d send Nimmie off for even TWO days. she’s stayed over night a few times with Hubs’s mom and those few times i had a nice night with Hubs but my insides were aching for her. Nettie’s always stayed with Hubs’s mom. if she’s gone a night, i’m ok with that. she’s 6 now and i know she’s ok without me. and that’s just how it’s always been. but it’s different with Nimmie. she’s only spent the night away a few times. so it’s not the norm for me. and in fact it pretty much almost kills me. yesterday Nettie left for a mini vacation with Hubs’s mom, step dad and her cousin. Hubs got called into work for a few hours so it was just me and my baby. i laid her on the couch next to me and talked to her and made her laugh and smile and we talked for a while. and i couldn’t help but look back to when Nettie was a baby. if i ever had any time alone with her i was going to a family member’s house to hang out. i didn’t want to be “bored” at home just me and Nettie. i would give my pinky to go back to those days and really spend some quality time with her. i regret it whole heartedly. and yes i can blame my age and mindset but still…it’s not an excuse. so i’m glad i’m different now. i’m glad that i’ve changed. i’m glad that my kids are the most important things to me right now. everything else pales in comparison to spending time with Hubs and the girls. together.

Posted in me, motherhood, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

My Life

Published June 15, 2009 | By Becky

It seems like death is all around me lately. It’s not like people that are close to me have passed away lately. It’s moreso that I keep finding blogs of people that have lost children…or husbands. OR my friends are losing their husbands…or children…or friends. It affects me so much. I sit here and think about how fragile life is. You think that you have all this time with your husband or wife…or with your kids. You take things for granted. Well, at least I know I do. I spent my weekend with my family and it was a lot of fun. And I think in just even the past few months I’ve really realized how much of my heart…how much of every breath I take is dedicated to my kids and to Hubs. How much of my life they are. Last night the girls stayed with Hubs’s mom so we could have a date night. It’s been about 6 weeks since Nimmie has been gone over night and I THOUGHT I was dying for a night alone without the kids. Yes, we had a great time just the 2 of us….but at night before I went to sleep I realized that Nettie’s nightlight was still on so I went into her room to turn it off. I looked at her empty bed and I actually got teary eyed. I missed her. I went to our room and took Nimmie’s blanket that she sleeps on off our bed…..I missed her. I never thought in a million years that I’d become this woman…this woman that’s THIS attached to her kids that I would almost rather just have a few hours of a date night and then have the kids back to sleep at our house. I wasn’t like this before. I am now. And I love it.