A weekend of firsts
As you all know, Hannah had her first dance competition of the season this weekend. It was her first time to perform a solo on stage. Like ever. IN HER LIFE. It was huge for me. I think it was probably bigger for me than for her. She was cool and calm Saturday morning and it totally did not phase her that she was going to be dancing alone on the stage in front of a lot of people. And judges. JUDGES. People who are judging what you’re doing. That was MAJOR pressure for me. Apparently NOT for her. So, the morning began with getting her ready to do this solo. She was all smiles. So was her doll, Chloe, in her matching warm ups. Yes I had those made. Y’all know me. This should not shock you.
So then came the dance. I sent her backstage with her teacher and went to watch in the audience. They hired a professional photographer to take photos of this. I’m totally ok with this and having to pay for the photos because there was no way I would have been able to take my own anyway. MAJOR ANXIETY. She walked out on that stage and did her thing. She did me SO proud.
So after she finished I ran back to greet her backstage. She came running up to me and threw her arms around me and I hugged her and wiped tears away from my eyes and told her how proud I was of her while she said over and over again “I DID IT! I DID IT MAMA!” It was such an amazing moment. Then she said “Mom, I saw one of the judges nodding yes at me when I was dancing like I was doing good.” I know that just did it for her. What else did it for her?
She had another dance after her solo- her group dance to Charlie and the Chocolate factory.
I didn’t buy any photos from this dance though. I will at the next competition. Btw, W for Wonka. How cute is that?
And so after the high of all that, we got home and relaxed Saturday. Yesterday afternoon Livie decided that she was tired of not being in the spotlight and decided to take 2 steps for us. And also decided that she didn’t need to pull up anymore and figured it’s probably easier to just stand up right from the floor. I did get a picture of this but it’s so crappy since it was taken with my phone in the dark but suffice to say, it was magical.
My children brought me so much joy this weekend. A lot of people think that kids can’t live without their parents. Well, I can’t live without my kids.
Someone pass me a Xanax
I’ve never actually taken any kind of prescription Calgon take me away drugs. I will say though that Hubs says I need to be on anxiety meds. This shocks me because he usually isn’t the type to take anything and he usually thinks I exaggerate my emotions and that I’m in control of my feelings and meds won’t change that. I tend to agree with him though…that I need some drugs. I don’t think I need it on a daily basis but I think I need it for when things are just piling up. I need a “chill me the fuck out” pill. Xanax is that kinda pill, right? Just takes the edge off? Well anyway, I’m digressing.
Hannah’s first dance competition of the season is tomorrow. This means that this will be the first time ever in her life to be on the stage BY HERSELF because she’s doing a solo this year. Last year her competition dance was a group dance- a production of The Wizard of Oz. I’ll refresh your memory if you were here last year for my dance freak outs…and if not, well here’s what it looked like.
This year she’s doing the group production again. They’re doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I gotta say that the costumes and everything are just better this year. I’m super excited for that and not nervous at all…FOR THAT. For her solo…I’m freaking out. FREAKING THE FUCKITY FUCK OUT. I’m saying fuck a lot because really, no other word can encompass my feelings right now. Last week she had her private lesson for her solo like she does every week except this time she was in costume. That in itself made my stomach churn and I got nauseous and my heart raced. Just thinking about her being on the stage alone was killing me. I know she’ll do great. She loves the stage. She’s not shy. She’s always been a ham. At her recital at 3 years old she stayed on the stage longer than the rest of the girls to wave to the crowd. That’s just who she is.
That being said, I’m still freaked for tomorrow morning.
I think tomorrow morning when she gets on stage I need to sit by myself and watch quietly and pray for the best.
I promise I won’t say “fuck” either when I’m praying.
Amen.
Older now
Last week one evening on our drive home from dance class Hannah informed me that she broke up with her boyfriend.
Wait…what? Back that truck up.
“What boyfriend? And why did you break up with him?”
“Carlos. We’ve been together this whole school year. I told him that I’m too young and that we should get back together when I’m older.”
I kind of laughed when she told me this. I think I let her watch too much iCarly and other teenage shows on Nickelodeon. I mean, I quit letting her watch Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill with me so obviously she’s either retained the drama from those shows or has soaked up new drama from these kid shows. Either way, I know her thinking was straight from the TV. So I told her that was a good decision and she should wait until she’s MUCH MUCH older…like my age…to get back together with him….or ANY guy for that matter.
Yesterday Hannah told me that she and Carlos are back together.
“‘I’m older now. That was last week!”
And people wonder why I’m a wino.
Baffled
So I mentioned yesterday about how Hannah throws around the phrase “quitting dance” every so often and it baffles me. I don’t get why she wants to quit. I mean, when she’s NOT at dance this is how a lot of the pictures of her turn out. And if they don’t turn out like this it’s because I told her to stand normally because otherwise probably 95% of her pictures WOULD be like this.
Dance pose after dance pose after dance pose. Then when we were actually AT competition last year where she was supposed to pose and dance, I got this instead.
Yeah, so you can see why sometimes I’m totally ok with her quitting.
Until last week when she told me that she really DOES love dancing and competition and she’s not sure if she wants to quit next year. Part of me (A VERY TINY PART) wants to let her because OH EM GEE dance costs me a small fortune and she does a lot of it. She’s got a regular weekly technique class. She’s on competition team and is part of the production team. And she has a solo. All these things keep her VERY busy and keep me VERY broke. But most of me doesn’t want her to quit. She’s been dancing since she was 2. It’s been her life since before she can remember. And I know she’d regret it after about 2 months of not dancing. She’d miss her friends. She’d miss the stage. Y’all can tell that she’s a performer. She’s a ham. This is her calling. So for right now we’re going to enjoy this competition season as it starts in about 2 1/2 weeks. And once summer comes, we’ll reevaluate. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you know we’ve been down this road before with her. It all comes down to the summer and how she feels then. I really hope that although my wallet is suffering, she sticks with it and dances again next year, even if she does less of it. How can she not?
Sidenote: Just when I thought Hannah was getting all grown up on us and decision-y and independant like, she gives us this little jewel last night that reminded me that she’s still a kid.
“I don’t get why I get eye boogers every night. I don’t eat my boogers!”
The right path
I don’t know about you parents of girls out there but for me, raising girls freaks me the hell out. There’s so much more to worry about and so much more to guide them about. You worry about them finding the wrong boy…then you worry about them finding the right boy and leaving you. It’s just all one big clusterfuck of worrying. Believe me, I do plenty of it.
Last night as we were driving home from dance, just Hannah and me in the car, she decides to bring up a family member who goes back and forth between 2 significant others. She asked me why that person does that and I said who knows and it even confuses me. She then went on for about 5 straight minutes on how she would never let a boy do that to her. She would tell him that she’s had enough of that and tell him to be with someone else. She then told me that if someone told her he was married…well it would definitely be over. I laughed and agreed that that was probably a good way to start. She gave me other scenarios and even now, in her young 7 year old brain, she really hit the nail on the head with what kind of guys she wasn’t going to date and what she wasn’t going to put up with. I realize she’s 7 and so much changes but it’s nice to know that at least for now, she’s got standards and doesn’t want to be treated badly. I come from a long line of women being treated badly and that’s the last thing I want for my babies.
The older Hannah gets and the more she tells me the more I’m starting to realize that maybe I don’t TOTALLY suck at this…when it comes to her homework (which has improved drastically thank you all!) or her attitude (still working on that) I used to think that I really effed her up and there was no way in hell that I was good at this Mom thing. Turns out, I just might be.
Generous
The other night after I tucked Hannah in and told her how much we loved her after our talks about school, I turned to walk out of her room when she stopped me to tell me something. She’s been asking for a kitten for weeks now. We already have 2 dogs so the thought of adding a cat into this mix is mind boggling to me and yet I miss having cats so much that I actually said maybe. Then I told Hubs that we were getting a cat. LOL So after agreeing on that, Hannah immediately began asking for a kitten every.single.day. Since our talk a few nights ago we told her we could get a kitten AFTER her grades stayed good for longer than just a few days in a row.
So last night as I was walking out of her room, she stopped me and says “Mom, here’s what I think. If we can find a way to get more money we can give MORE to Haiti and then if we have any left, we can get the kitten. Sound good?”
I just smiled, choked back tears and said “Yes baby. That sounds great”.
We must be doing SOMETHING right.
Tons and Tons of Thank Yous!
When I said yesterday that my blogging and Twitter community was a little village…well, that was an understatement. It’s more like a little family. That’s how I felt yesterday after reading all my comments. I can’t thank each and every one of you enough for taking the time to give me your ideas and feedback. Even those of you who apologized for the novels you left me…honestly, I appreciate it and NEEDED to read that. I had so many different ideas given to me yesterday. I thank you all.
So I took it and ran with it last night. At dinner Hubs and I talked to Hannah about school. I pulled thoughts from all your comments and told her how we felt and asked her how SHE felt and why she hated school so much. Some of the stuff she said was off the wall like she hates school because she hates doing school work. I told her that will always be there so she needs to start to get used to it. I explained to her that she needed to care about school even if she was bored. I told her that her dad and I aren’t always excited at work but we still care about our work. I explained that the life we live…our house, cars, dance, vacations…don’t come from NOT doing a good job at work. And we wouldn’t have these jobs unless we did good in school. I told her that if she wanted a life with animals either at the zoo or Seaworld ( the 2 jobs she says she wants when she grows up) she needed to apply herself now to have that life later. She seemed to really listen and understand what we were saying. After dinner we did her homework. I took her in the kitchen away from the other distractions in the house. Hubs took the baby so it was just me and Hannah. For the first time in I don’t know how long, she was excited to do her homework. And really, she did pretty good. I was so proud of her.
Lastly, before bed, I apologized for her feeling left out. I told her that even though she hasn’t said it much, I know that the baby being here the past year has really changed things. I told her that we love her the same as always and we don’t love the baby more than her…that we love them the same. I told her that she was my first baby and always will be and that she’s very special to me. I hugged and kissed her. I think she really needed to hear that.
I know this is just a start. I know we’ll have to keep up with her and follow through with the plans we laid out for her that included a chart with stickers for good work done at school/home and her favorite toys or movies being taken away if those things weren’t done well. I have vowed to follow through and if I tell her she’s getting a toy taken away, to take that toy away.
Being a parent…moreso a mother, is hard work. It’s a constant job on top of the paid job I have. It’s constant worry and stress and HAPPINESS and LOVE. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. We’re in a tough spot right now with Hannah but I have faith we’ll all come out on the other side as better people. All of us. Especially me.
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