Anxious=me
So I told y’all how I did that little photo shoot on Saturday. I put some of the photos on my Facebook page and immediately I had someone ask me if they could book a session.
Back that truck up.
See, I wasn’t REALLY planning on doing photography stuff any time soon…or even again, to be quite honest. I have MAJOR anxiety about it all. I get nervous just thinking about it. Then the day of I’m praying that the people cancel. Then I do the shoot and I get home and hate about half of the photos. Then they say they love them and I’m shocked. Then more people ask and MORE anxiety settles in. It’s a cycle. It SHOULD make me happy that people are interested but instead I just lack the confidence and it totally freaks me out.
BUT now that I’m not working I can’t really say no. I need the extra money. So yesterday through a racing heart and shaking hands I emailed my friend back and told her I’d do it. And then I promptly republished my fan page on Facebook and updated the photos on there. I know the only way I’ll get more confident is to just get out there and do it. I know I know how to take a picture. But the posing and the whole making it not look posed and then there’s the whole sell myself part…*sigh*. It’s a lot for me to handle. I’m not outgoing. I’m definitely not a social kind of person, believe it or not. It goes against everything in me to actually have a business that I run…that I’m alone in and do for myself. Relying on myself sucks. Isn’t that ridiculous? I like others to rely on me but I don’t like to rely on myself.
I make no sense.
Anyway, here’s a few pictures from Saturday. They’re probably my favorites from the day hence why I’m posting them here.
The gateway drug, if you will, to more of this. I hope so anyway. I hope so because while it makes me anxious NOW? It’ll make me less anxious in the long run when I know that I’m still not working and bringing in some extra money so I can continue to not work. That’s what it all comes down to. I’ve had nightmares lately that I’m back at my desk at work and crying to The Man that I want to quit again and come home. Deep down inside I’m worried this will all be ripped away from me when this is what I’ve dreamed of doing for years. So when people ask me to do their pictures? I just have to suck it up and do it because really? I don’t actually suck.
If only I believed that all the time instead of most of the time.
So along with all my anxiety I’ve still been doing all the things I usually do in my new stay at home mom life. I hang out with Livie.
By the way, this girl is obsessed with tortilla chips. She wants to eat them all day long. Except yesterday I heard a chip fall while I was in the kitchen. Then I heard her say “Come here Paco” and then I saw this.
That explained a lot about why the bag was half emtpy. Needless to say she hasn’t been allowed to hold the bag anymore.
I’m still buried in constant laundry BUT at least it all gets put away now on the same day…sometimes the day after. That’s my limit though! lol
But for the most part Liv and I spend our days just hanging out.
We take Hannah to school and we grocery shop, play with toys, watch movies…and when she naps I can work out or blog or clean…
The anxiety over the pictures? I need to get over it. Doing those sessions for people will keep me home with her. And school is out in 3 weeks so I get to be home with both of my babies. I wanted this. I needed this. So Miss Anxiety? Gets to stepping please. Mama’s got babies to raise.
Texas Blue Bonnets
As promised, here are the pictures I took Sunday night. The good, the bad, the crying, the funny….there’s a lot so here we go.
We started off ok. I figured, let me get Livie’s done first since she’ll be the worst to photograph.
She was clearly NOT interested. Like at all.
So she said “Yo mom, I’m outta here. See ya” and took off. That was the end of that.
Now Hannah on the other hand…ham city!
My fav of her. I’m still amazed at how stunning she is. Like seriously, how did we create such a perfect face?
Then little miss I’m Outta Here decided to play nice for a bit and let me get this one of her.
My fav of Liv. Another perfect little face.
And then this happened. No perfect smiles. And yet…it’s perfect. It’s real. It’s our life. Hannah wanting so badly to hold her baby sister who USED to let her hold her and now cries every. single. time. I feel bad for her…but I told her there’ll come a day when Livie will WANT to be around her and she won’t want her to be. She replied “Yeah. I feel that way now.” HAH.
So we grabbed Livie off her lap and just told her to go run around and play.
Livie watched from a much happier spot in Daddy’s arms.
Then I had Hubs take this one. Me with my babies outside on a perfect weather, perfect sunshiney, perfect family day.
Balance: My Photography Nightmare
For years I dreamed of being a photographer. I’ve said before that it’s really all I can see myself doing as a career and NOT hating my job.
That kind of changed last week. Just a little. See, I had that session a week and a 1/2 ago on a Sunday evening. My clients were my friends and they were just awesome to work with. The kids were so cute and we just had a great time. She praised my work over and over and I felt proud of what I did. The SLIGHT problem? Working on these said photos. I can’t work on them when I’m at work all day so I have to work on them when I’m home. Considering the fact that I’m away from my family all day it really sucked spending days working on the pictures. I’d get home from work, eat with my family, send Hannah to either play outside or in her room and grab Livie to head up to my bedroom to work. She’d sit on the floor and play and I’d work. And work. AND WORK. For like 2 hours or more every evening. By the time I finished each night it was like 8 or even later and by then it’s time to get the girls ready for bed. IT SUCKED. I love photography. I love editing my work and making everything look pretty for my clients. I HATE taking time away from my girls to do this. I complained to Hubs about this and he said it’s just like when he works overtime…we have to make sacrifices for the extra money we need right now to keep Hannah in her school which is ALWAYS going to be a priority and a huge conviction for us. It just is. And yeah, dance costs money too but that’s just something we also sacrifice for.
But how much am I willing to sacrifice? How much do I REALLY feel is ok? I thought about this for a few days and I came to this conclusion: I’m only doing 2 sessions a month. It takes me about 4-5 evenings to edit. Really about 8-10 hours to edit everything and get them on my website for clients to view. I usually shoot on Sunday evenings because I know Hannah won’t have dance or school stuff going on. I don’t even get 2 sessions booked a month usually but just in case, I set that limit on myself. That way even if I DO get 2 a month, that’s 10 nights out of 30 that I’ll be glued to my computer. I’m willing to sacrifice that for now.
I can’t quit my job. I can’t even go part time yet. Or probably any time soon actually. So while I’d love photography to take me to that place, it’s hard to get there when I can’t put in the time to get it there. I hope that makes sense. In order to get my photography to a place where I could quit my job or even work less, I’d have to give up A LOT more of my time at home with my babies. And I just can’t right now. Maybe in a few years when Livie’s in school and Hannah’s even busier with school and dance. But for right now, it’s just not worth it.
Photo bliss
I realize that a lot of you aren’t photo freaks like me so you probably have a hard time understanding why taking 150 pictures and then spending time editing said photos is bliss for me.
Oh but it is. It truly is.
I had a session last night with 3 ADORABLE kids. I mean, make you swoon, melt your heart, adorable kids.
So much fun. Few things make me actually want to part with my kids, photography being one of them. Weekend trips with Hubs being another. (THIS COMING WEEKEND! WOOT!) So each evening this week I’ll be working on editing these photos with Livie crawling at my feet and Hannah watching Nickelodeon on our bed. Best of both worlds.
But no photo sessions are complete without pictures of my OWN kids.
Livie turned 13 months on Friday. Like officially over the year old hump. *sigh*
“Yes mom I was just screaming my eyes out. But now I’m ok!”
And Hannah? Well she had fun of her own. One of her friends had a limo birthday party for her 7th birthday. I’ve already let Hannah know that her mother isn’t rich and she will not be having a limo birthday party complete with manicures and pedicures and pizza anytime soon.
See? Bliss.
Practice makes perfect
It’s no secret that I aspire to be a great photographer. Right now, I consider myself just ok. Maybe some days kind of good. Otherwise, I usually don’t like most of what I put out. I guess we’re all over critical of ourselves….but I truly just wish I’d morph overnight into something fantastic. Until that actually happens, the saying practice makes perfect rings true to me. And since I have 2 beautiful babies to practice on, it works out great.
Last week I showed y’all the dresses that just came in for my girls. My Etsy obsession is no secret. Specifically my Etsy obsession with Momi Boutique is no secret. I dream of a collection of dress after dress from Rachel’s shop for my girls. They’re not cheap but omg, they’re gorgeous. You just don’t get much better than this.
So so far it was going well. Then Hannah decided she wanted to use a flower for a prop.
My only regret for the day was not getting a good picture of the 2 of them together. Livie just wasn’t interested in sitting very still so close to the water. And really, I was nervous as hell shooting her by there because I just knew she was going to crawl off and fall in before I could grab her. It’s my worst nightmare, really.
So, I still consider it a good day. Got some cute pics of my babies modeling dresses from my favorite Etsy chick.
Next up: Etsy rehab. Because I need it.
Haiti- a 2 post kind of day
You know, I love photography. Taking photos is what I do. When I’m sad, my first urge is to look at old photos I’ve taken. When I’m happy, I look at old photos I’ve taken. If I’m able to, I get my camera out and start shooting. I like to document everything. The recent tragedy in Haiti isn’t any different to me. I see all these photographs of the horrors there…and while it would pain me to be THAT person that’s responsible for documenting all that horror….I’d want to do it.
I want to be a disaster photographer.
When my kids get older and life is settled, I want to look into this. It would be horrible to be the one who takes these pictures but then again, I’d be the one to bring those images to you. Just like they brought them to me the past few days. We can’t see how terrible things are without the photos and video. Those images are what urge people to donate. To be involved. To pray. To help. I want to be involved in that. I look at my babies and see how they’re safe and sound. The people of Haiti can’t say the same. I have such a tender spot in my heart when I see pictures of babies and children crying and bloodied and beaten.
Photography is my skill. I want to use that skill for good.
One day, I will.
And maybe, God forbid, I can use it here if something happens. I don’t wish that on any of us….but if something happens locally, maybe I might venture out to capture some of it to show the world.
Please pray for the people of Haiti. Please send money. Please help.
One more post…photos from my shoot!
Here’s just a few of the tons I took. So. Much. Fun.
Ok so yes, have a great Thanksgiving and um, pray for me as apparently I’m a glutton for punishment and thought it’d be a good idea to fly out tomorrow. On the busiest travel day of the year. Yeah.
Oh yeah, I guess I should also add that today is Hubs and I’s 8 year wedding anniversary. I feel so accomplished. LOL.
Subscribe
You Know You Want It
I support
