Broken Heart
A Saturday post from me. What a rarity. Be assured though that I’m not actually typing this out on a Saturday. I’m post dating it because I have these things on my mind but I wanted this post to have it’s own day and not to be shared with another day that I’ve already blogged on.
I have a friend who is very near and dear to me. She gets me. I get her. We struggle with a lot of the same things in life when it comes to marriage issues or money issues or family issues. We get together over wine and laugh and cry and hug eachother. I love her.
And right now she’s struggling. Struggling with unanswered questions and begging God for some clarity and strength.
This is something I can’t share with her. I so badly want to…I want to take away some of her pain. But I can’t. So I pray for her.
You know how you are sweetie. There’s nothing I can say or do to make this all better. Just know you are constantly in my thoughts. I love you.
Haiti- a 2 post kind of day
You know, I love photography. Taking photos is what I do. When I’m sad, my first urge is to look at old photos I’ve taken. When I’m happy, I look at old photos I’ve taken. If I’m able to, I get my camera out and start shooting. I like to document everything. The recent tragedy in Haiti isn’t any different to me. I see all these photographs of the horrors there…and while it would pain me to be THAT person that’s responsible for documenting all that horror….I’d want to do it.
I want to be a disaster photographer.
When my kids get older and life is settled, I want to look into this. It would be horrible to be the one who takes these pictures but then again, I’d be the one to bring those images to you. Just like they brought them to me the past few days. We can’t see how terrible things are without the photos and video. Those images are what urge people to donate. To be involved. To pray. To help. I want to be involved in that. I look at my babies and see how they’re safe and sound. The people of Haiti can’t say the same. I have such a tender spot in my heart when I see pictures of babies and children crying and bloodied and beaten.
Photography is my skill. I want to use that skill for good.
One day, I will.
And maybe, God forbid, I can use it here if something happens. I don’t wish that on any of us….but if something happens locally, maybe I might venture out to capture some of it to show the world.
Please pray for the people of Haiti. Please send money. Please help.
Only in my dreams
I’ve mentioned Crappy Friend a few times on here. The reality is that I think about her everyday. If you’re new to my blog and don’t feel like reading back (although that link right there will catch you up pretty quick) the quick story is that we were best friends for 6 years. Inseperable. Had lunch every week. Hung out on the weekends sometimes. She was at all of Hannah’s birthday parties and other big family events. She helped plan my baby shower with Hannah. She was just the ever present friend and actually more like a sister to me. My family accepted her as family. Her family accepted me as family. Then one day she just sorta drifted. Started cancelling our lunches. Bailed on Hannah’s recitals and birthday parties with shitty excuses. After a year of this, she finally told me that she was too deep into drugs and a bad life with her abusive boyfriend and she had to go her own way, more or less. And since then I’ve heard from her maybe once or twice. That was a year ago. Someone that I used to talk to everyday and see at least once a week I’ve now heard from twice in 365 days.
Last I saw her was in July. She begged to come over and this was way out of the blue. I hadn’t even heard from her in months. I told her I didn’t want her to come over if she wasn’t going to be cleaned up and around again because Hannah truly missed her and I didn’t want to confuse Hannah. She assured me that she had seen the light and got away from her crazy boyfriend and her life was going to be better. She seemed so excited so I let her come over. She saw Hannah. Held the baby. I was leery the whole time even though I really just wanted to hug her forever and tell her how much I had missed her. She looked gorgeous and was so happy and I really thought that was it. Things were gonna be better. SHE was going to be better.
But I was wrong.
They weren’t better. See, after that day, I never heard from her again. That was 6 months ago. No text. No phone call. No email. Nothing. I’ve tried all those methods to reach her. She’s ignored me. Her mother emailed me and told me her daughter missed me and that she was alive but back with the old boyfriend. That was a few months ago. I’ve heard nothing since.
This is like a really REALLY bad break up. I’ve actually never had a break up as hard as this in my life. I miss her so much. I think about her every single day. I dream about her probably about once a month or so. And most of the dreams are the same…the same one I had last night. I see her…either by mistake or planned…but everytime I hug her and cry and tell her I miss her and I’m so happy to see her. And she looks beautiful and she’s so happy to see me too. And everytime I wake up and realize it didn’t happen and I’m let down again. I know she’s in a bad place. I get that. I just want so badly for her to clean up and come back. She had a great life before all of this. She’s a brilliant writer. She’s wasting it all away and there’s nothing I can do.
Will I ever get over this? Will there be a day when I DON’T think about her? That I DON’T miss her?
And so I dream about her. I probably dream about her more consistently than anything else. I miss her so much it aches sometimes. It’s like she died. Like I lost a close family member without any closure. I miss her so much. And I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change her. All I can do is dream.
Anissa
A lot of people don’t “get” the blog world. Or the Twitter world. They think that the friendships you make aren’t real. I’ve said this time and time again how many REAL friends I’ve made online- either through this blog, Twitter, or message boards. They’re people I laugh with. People I cry with. People I connect with. People I pray for. It just so happens that last night as I was chatting with some Twitter friends, we got word that Anissa Mayhew had a stroke and is in the ICU. Anissa has a daughter Hannah’s age. A daughter who has battled cancer. Her baby has had cancer. That in itself is enough of a hurdle without now battling her OWN health while her babies, all 3 of them, wait for her. I know people might not “get” this. But the second I heard about it, I was devastated. Sad for her that she puts her whole life into her daughter and now she’s helpless.
Last night Livie woke us up at 4 am and stayed awake. We turned on the TV and let her giggle and play while we laid in bed with her. Yes we were tired. Of course we would rather be sleeping. But instead I looked at Hubs and told him that there are so many parents who wish they could be doing this with their babies right now. Parents who have had to live through what I believe is the worst tragedy ever—losing your child. Thinking about Anissa who would love to be healthy and at home up with her child at 4 am instead of in the ICU–I’m most appreciative for my health and my family’s health. At the end of the day, it’s all that counts. That we’re happy and healthy.
Please pray for Anissa. Pray for someone that I’ve talked to a few times on Twitter but who has made me laugh a million times and inspired me even more.
EDIT:
If you want to help Anissa and her family, I put a donate button on the sidebar.
Crappy family member update
Number 800. Or at least it seems that way, huh? If you search crappy family member on my sidebar it’ll pull up all the previous posts where I mentioned this person. I just wanted to update y’all and tell you that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Nothing. We went 7 weeks without talking because I finally told this person how I felt about their actions. Instead of wanting to discuss it, they got mad at me, told me I’m too critical (which I am. I can admit that) and hung up on me -we went 7 weeks without talking. After the 7 weeks, I emailed that person and told them that this whole not talking is bull and I want us to get along but I want THEM to realize that they’re at fault too and that the whole not caring about their mother or my kids or their other nieces/nephews is ridiculous. That nothing in this world is worth cutting ties with your nieces/nephews because of a few hang ups you have with their parents. This person is mad at me for something I did IN HIGH SCHOOL. Mad at their mother for things she said/did to her when SHE was in high school. This person is in their late mid 20′s now. I just don’t get how you can go on as an adult and continue to blame people for your fuck ups. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve had some pretty crappy things happen to me in my life and yet I don’t sit here and use those things as an excuse to treat people like shit and do my own thing all the while thinking that I won’t pay the price because everyone owes me. This is how this person thinks. Truly. And it’s sad. Especially when OTHER family members ask me what the hell this person’s problem is and why they’re so mean. I never have an answer because I’m not like that. Anyway, me and that person are talking again but only because of me and an email I sent. That person called me and I thought ok, they get it. They really got what I said in my email. Things are going to be different. I was so happy. WRONG. Every phone call has continued to be totally self centered. That person only calls me STILL to talk about themselves and their life and has yet to ask about my girls or Hubs or heck, even me. The last time we talked before the hang up that person told me that they can’t care about my life because it brings back bad memories of her childhood. I almost laugh at that. I’ve told her a few times that they’re missing out on being a part of these kid’s lives because of their stupid hang ups. I thought that would change after I spelled it out to them. It didn’t. So now I’ve been hitting ignore on my phone when they call. I tell them that I’m tied up and I’ll call later. I am tied up when they call…but I don’t call later either. I have nothing to say to said person. It’s always about them. Always has been. That person truly does NOT care about my life or my kid’s life. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone when it’s always 1 sided? No thanks. Since this person is someone that can’t be avoided and will always be family, I’ve just accepted that they will never change and our relationship will never change. It will always be this way. When they call, I know that it will be about them and I’ll have to decide at that point if I feel like listening to them for 30 minutes or not. That’s just how it’s always going to be. I’ve accepted this. Now I can move on.
8 years
I started this blog almost 4 years ago. It’s crazy to me how fast time has gone, especially when I read back to older entries and I shake my head at how ridiculous I sounded and how I’ve grown in the past 4 years. One thing hasn’t changed though- each year on September 11, I blog about what happened. I always had SOMETHING to say about the day that changed Amercians forever. It changed ME forever. And 8 years later, I’m still trying to piece everything together. I haven’t accepted that maybe it just can’t all be explained. We will never understand. I went back in my archives to read that I wrote each 9-11 since I’ve been blogging.
September 11, 2006
I was working that day at a private foreclosure lawfirm in downtown Cleveland, Ohio. And Hubs was at a local community college in class. I always listened to Howard Stern and when he said he just saw a plane crash into the WTC I ran to the nearest tv and for an hour the whole office was glued to it. We then got word that all of downtown was to be evacuated and I remember it took me like an hour to make a normal 20 minute drive to Hubs house. and then I panicked because none of our cell phones were working and I couldn’t get ahold of him for what seemed like an eternity. When he walked through that front door—I just can’t explain the amount of relief I felt. I wanted him with me that day. I wanted everyone I loved with me that day. And from then til like midnite that nite we stayed up watching CNN non stop. We ordered food in. We sat on his bed and didn’t talk but for a few minutes here and there. I will never forget where I was and what I was doing that day. None of us will. We will never forget.
September 11, 2007
It’s been 6 years since 911. I can’t believe it’s gone by so fast. I spent most of that day with Hubs…wondering if we’d ever get back to normal. And really, we havent. We’re as normal as we can be. But things will never be the same. To all the people who lost their lives and all their families—-I will never EVER forget.
September 11, 2008
Today is the 7 year anniversary of September 11. Every year I take time to think about it on this day. But this year for some reason it’s just on my mind more. I’ve been watching more documentaries than normal and reading more than normal. No matter how you do it….just take time today to think about all the people lost on that tragic day and say a prayer for their families.
So today, September 11, 2009, I sit here remembering that horrific day. 8 years later it’s still as vivid and dark and terrible as it was then. I tuned into Howard Stern this morning and listened to clips of them on the air that day. I got goosebumps because that was the same broadcast I listened to 8 years ago. 8 years. 8 years that families have been living without people they loved. 8 years that firemen are still grieving their lost brothers. 8 years that police officers are still missing their brothers. The older I get, and especially the older my kids get, the more and more I dwell on this. The more it upsets me. The more it shakes me. The more I want to know.
So still, and always, I will never forget.
Update to an update
an update to this post:
crappy friend emailed me last night and pretty much told me that our friendship is over. she’s too far gone….and she’s not at all the person she used to be and doesn’t intend to be but that she’s sorry because she didn’t mean to hurt me and it’s not me, it’s her. i don’t know if she’ll ever get back to that point or not. it’s very sad for me though. i miss her so much. it’s like losing a family member. she WAS family to me. Nettie misses her and still asks about her. i feel like she died. and yet i’m so angry with her too. angry that she’s not willing to change. angry that she’d rather live a destructive life than fix it and have her loved ones back in her life. i just don’t understand.
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