Betrayal (or backstabbing): The breaking or violation of a presumptive trust or confidence.
I’ve been betrayed before, each time different than the last. The thing about betrayal is that almost every time it’s happened to me in the past I wasn’t surprised. There were warning signs- a diminishing relationship…a jealousy…a rift in friendship.
The thing about betrayal is, it never gets easier- especially when it blindsides you.
I began this blog Jan 10, 2006. It’s been almost 7 years that I’ve had my own little space on the internet and for 7 years it has brought me joy. I loved being able to share my life with friends, family, and even strangers online. I’ve met many awesome people through blogging and I’ve learned a lot about myself while I allowed myself to put my thoughts and feelings out for the world to read. I guess that in doing this I never imagined that things that I said on this blog would be misconstrued or twisted to mean things they didn’t. When something like that happens, it kind of sucks the joy out of blogging.
What I haven’t shared on this blog is that for months now I kind of toyed with the idea of ending this blog. There wasn’t a concrete reason…I felt like, just like many other things in life, it had run its course. I wasn’t sure when I was going to do this, or even if I would at all, but the idea was there in the back of my mind. But now? I am sure it’s the right choice. I considered making this space of mine private, making all future posts password protected. Right now, though, that doesn’t seem like an option for me. Probably in the future, but not now.
I appreciate every single one of you who read this blog with good intentions. I appreciate the friendships I’ve made and all the good advice you’ve given me in 7 years. You have made this so much more than I ever could have imagined.
This did not ruin Christmas. It has instead made me appreciate the people that love me just a little bit more. My husband loves and stands by me, my children are happy and healthy, and I am truly blessed. There isn’t much more I can ask for.
This isn’t a goodbye but rather a see you around. You know where to find me and if you don’t, email me.
Hope you all have a happy new year.
When I was a kid my mom used to buy album after album of Christian songs for us to sing and learn. She brought us up in a very Christian home and we weren’t allowed to listen to secular music. I never minded though at that age because I loved the albums we had and I have very vivid memories of my sisters and I dancing and singing all of those songs.
When I woke up Friday morning I began my day just like any other day. I made coffee, packed backpacks, and took Hannah to school. Livie and I are off work/school on Fridays and we spend our whole day running errands with family so like every other Friday, that’s what we did. We went to breakfast. We went to the post office, Target, the mall…and finally ended up back here at our house so my sister in law and I could watch Grey’s Anatomy. Such a simple, run of the mill day. Halfway through watching Grey’s, The Man texted me that there was a shooting at an elemetary school in Connecticut. I paused the TV right away to read what I could find online. I read from our local news station’s website out loud to my sister in law and we both sat there wondering how in the world this has not only happened again, but this time in an elementary school.
Later that night through tears I began to think about how those babies must have felt in their last moments when suddenly I remembered a song from one of the albums I loved as a kid. The title was “My Father’s Angels” and the chorus said:
They’re all above me
They’re all around me
My Father’s angels all protect me…everywhere
I imagined that right before these innocent babies took their last breaths, in the midst of the chaos and fear, they saw angels. Their angels. And these angels took them to Jesus.
I have/am currently struggling in my faith. I’ve been questioning a lot of things I learned growing up regarding being a Christian and what the Bible says versus what it really means. But this I am sure of and will never waiver on it- we all have guardian angels and the Bible says in many places how closely children’s angels stay to them. I know with all of my heart that angels brought these souls to Jesus and he is holding them all so closely now.
I can’t make sense of anything else that happened Friday. I have shed so many tears reading and watching the news and just thinking about these parents and families of the victims…and how it’s Christmas…and just everything. I am so emotional over it all.
I took this picture before I took Hannah to school Friday morning without knowing that I’d stare at it throughout the day ever so grateful that my babies were with me yet wondering how many of those parents of those babies took similar pictures before sending them to school that day. Pray for the families. Pray for healing. I’m not sure of everything I’ve learned my whole life but I know God does listen to us, and he does provide comfort. Pray for comfort and healing for the families affected Friday.
I love them so much…even more after all of this, if that’s even possible to love them more than I already do.
so my dads death has been alot harder on me than i thought it would. and i’ve not blogged about it really because i’ve been trying to sort things out in my head before i put it all down here. we weren’t close. everyone knew this. we both knew it. and i honestly for some crazy reason thought that my dad dying wasn’t gonna be a huge life changing ordeal for me when it happened. i couldn’t have been more wrong. i some how forgot that hello, i’m human. and yeah, he’s my dad. its gonna hurt. alot. and its not so much regret or guilt…we made our peace and had the best relationship we could have had the past year. but its moreso just the fact that he’s gone. i wont hear him play his guitar anymore..Nettie will never hear him play….he wont be at our christmas functions anymore…i wont see him when i go home to visit anymore…he’s really actually gone. 2 weeks ago it finally did hit me and i sobbed my eyes out for a while. and after that i felt alot better but the pain is still there. i guess its the fact that i’ve lost a parent…the person thats responsible for my being here…i’ve never lost someone so closely related to me before and i just had no idea how it would impact me. then i got even more upset because i looked for hours for pictures of me and my dad or my dad and Nettie and i came up with like 3 of me and him, 2 from my wedding and one of him and Nettie when she was 2 months old. that made me so sad because i couldn’t believe that i didn’t have more pictures of him with us. and i have to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault that our relationship was the way it was and thats why i didn’t have tons of pictures. and that in itself upsets me because i guess him being gone means that there’s no more chances to work further on us. its just like we were going 100 mph down this road to improvement and then all of a sudden the road drops off suddenly into a ravine. he died so suddenly with no time for anyone to say anything to him before he went. and i’m just glad i told him i loved him when i did. still wish i could have one last time before he went into surgery. it’s gonna take some time to heal, i’ve now realized. i’ve never had a death impact me so much…its all new to me.
my dad died this morning. on my birthday. he went in for a liver transplant that i was not made aware of and he died in surgery. i’m just sorta at a loss for words right now because its still such a shock to me. i’m so grateful that we made amends mostly last month. because i have no regrets. and no guilt. its still effin sad though…he is my dad. so i’m leaving in the morning…Hubs and Nettie too…we’ll be in ohio til this weekend. just wanted to let yall know.