Update on my friend
remember when i posted this a few weeks ago? so i took some of ya’lls advice and decided that maybe if we just talked things would work out slowly. so i texted her last week and asked her if we could do lunch. she said sure and we planned a day. well just like the trend the past year the day came and went w/o even a word from her, even when i texted her to ask if we were still on for lunch. that evening she wrote back saying she forgot to set her alarm (she works at a bar all night) and felt horrible that she overslept and she’d make it up to me. and i like a jackass said ok and we planned lunch for today. she said she was going to put a reminder in her phone to call me yesterday to plan it. the fact that she even needed a reminder to remember me sucks because it was never like that before. but i let that go. did i hear from her yesterday? no. or today? no. are we going to lunch today? nope. because she ditched me. again. and this is what i get for even letting her in again and actually thinking that she’d come through for me.
Tragic
i’m not sure how many of you listen to christian music or know of christian artists….but i grew up listening to it and still do occasionally. anyway i heard this morning that steven curtis chapman lost his 5 year old little girl last night. his teenage son accidently hit her with his car in their driveway and she didn’t make it. i can’t even wrap my head around something this tragic…this horrible. what that family must be going through….i just can’t even imagine. i don’t even know how you begin to cope with it…or how that son will even begin to forgive himself for that. it’s terrible. it’s horrible. and yet, steven himself has a song called With Hope that talks about how you have hope through tragic deaths like this…that yes we feel the loss and we had so many plans for the person we lost and we miss them but we know we’ll see them again in heaven and this goodbye is not forever….
i heard this news on the radio this morning and right after they announced it a woman called in and said that she lost her daughter last year to a drunk driver. and then this year her sister lost HER son to another drunk driver. and she said that the only way they both made it through this was because God carried them. and i cried when i heard that because she spoke words of truth to me…and while many people might blame God for something so tragic, I along with many other christians seek God through tragedy because He is the one that carries us through to the end of it.
i know that not everyone is a christian or believes what i believe- and lord knows that my life certainly isn’t a shining example. but honestly i sometimes can’t grasp how people that aren’t believers make it through such horrific things because i know the second things start to get messy in my life i immediately turn to God and prayer to make it through. but for something like this—-i just pray that steven seeks comfort in his own words to make it through.
and for all of you that might not necessarily agree with me, you can at least agree that life is short…and life is fast and life is rushed and we sometimes take the people we love for granted. go home and kiss your babies a little extra tonight…and hug your husband or wife or mom or sister a little longer. Because we just never know when they might be taken from us.
Sharing
i’m totally willing to share everything in my life with Hubs…food, drinks, the tv, my phone, the computer..etc. everything EXCEPT my camera. i’m not willing to share that with anyone. like ever. i dunno what it is but i just can’t stand anyone to use my camera…UNLESS i give it to them and ask them to take a pic. otherwise its hands off. after my camera broke in october, which was a very devastating day for me, i decided to buy a new one and get it fixed. i like this new one that i’ve been using but i adore my old one. so i told Hubs when my old one was fixed, he could have this new one i bought. in my brain that means that the new one is MINE until i give it to him. right? well not in his brain. and we argue about it often because he wants “his” camera and i’m all “fool its mine until i hand it to you”. well anyway he’s going on a trip next weekend and he wants the camera. and since mine is NEVER going to be fixed (the lense is on backorder and probably will be til 2015…i might as well count on it NOT being fixed and waiting til my house sells to get my awesome new DSLR camera i’ve been eyeballing) he wants to take “his” camera with him.
i dont think you understand what i’m saying here.
thats 6 days, count them, SIX days i’d be w/o a camera. thats like 3 months in regular people time. 6 days of no pictures….what if something happens and i need to take a picture? what if Nettie does something so cute and i got nothing to document it? or what if i just get upset and need to take a pic to uplift my spirits? huh? HUH?!
i told him he could take the camera. i’m trying to not let it sound like a big deal when i say it to him. but in my brain i just want to cry.
*CRIES*
Humility
last night on HBO they had this documentary on about the genocide that took place in darfur, africa back in 2005….for one i could not believe that i had NEVER heard of this. i swear i live in my own little world because i also dont remember rawanda happening…or for that matter a lot of horrifying things in history. its like where the F was i? apparently NOT reading the news. so watching this last night brought tears to my eyes…just seeing the piles of bodies…or seeing the skin and bones that they called babies. talk about ripping my heart out! we sometimes forget how good we have it. now i realize that problems are relative. YES things like that are horrible but my problems are still my problems. i get that. but i sometimes forget to take time out to think about just HOW much worse some people DO have it. and watching this documentary totally tugged at my heart strings. its so terrible. last year me and Hubs went to the holocaust museum here in the city and lord…talk about exhausting. we spent a few hours in there and walked around seperately taking it all in in our own way. by the time we left there i had cried and i felt mentally drained. 6 million people were killed…6 million and no one did a thing about it til that many people were dead. i know that back in those days news didn’t travel fast but still…i dunno. i have a hard time accepting that. and then when i hear about this genocide that happened in 05 in darfur in a time where people DID know about it…wtf?! seriously? more people being killed for their race?! like how does this even happen anymore? blows my mind.
Death and the holidays
a few days ago i started making my list of who i needed to send christmas cards to. and i got to my dads name and added him to my list and then it hit me that no, i wont be sending my dad a christmas card this year. or any year anymore. and i got really sad. my dad dying has been a total emotional roller coaster for me and i want off. its so hard because i wish i could just feel ONE specific way about it. like when matts grandpa died a few years ago, i was sad about it and i still miss him. with my dad its like i go between being so sad and then feeling noncholant about it. and then i feel guilty for not always feeing bad and so then i feel bad about that. its sad for me right now because christmas was one time of the year that i always liked my dad..he was always happy and excited to have the whole family over and play music and sing all night long. he had a gorgeous voice and he played the guitar beautifully. he mainly sang spanish songs and even if i couldn’t understand them when i was young i enjoyed watching and listening to him. thats something i will always miss. and i cant help but feel an emptiness inside when i think about christmas and him not being here. its not even that i’ve even been home for christmas since i moved away. but i always said i would go back soon and listen to him play. and now that option is not there for me. i hate death and how it takes options away. like i probably only talked to my dad like 3 times a year. but i still want the damn option you know? i dont even have the option to call him anymore. but when i DID have the option, i didn’t take advantage of it. i dont have the option to go home and listen to him sing or not. it sucks. so i try to make myself feel better and think of why he WAS a shitty dad and WHY i never took advantage of the time i had with him…and think of times he drove us around drunk—or the times my mom called the cops on him cuz he was crazy—or the times the cops called my mom cuz he was arrested…or heck the times my mom piled all 3 of girls in the car to go visit him in jail. yeah fun times and all things i will never ever forget. but the fact still remains…christmas was always a good time with dad. and its christmas time now. and he’s not here. and i miss him.
This makes me so sad
this story about baby grace who is now identified as riley sawyers pains me. and outrages me. and confuses me because for the life of me i dont understand how a parent would HURT or KILL their child when i do my best to protect Nettie. i dont get it.
The good, the bad, the ugly
i swear…is it november yet? i mean really. this weekend was SUPPOSED to be kick ass for me. and it still was pretty fun. friday nite was my maroon 5 concert. which was totally kick ass. i tried to sneak my camera in—the whore security chick found it and so i was at the show sans my camera. BUT the girl next to me DID get hers in and took tons of pics. i gave her my email and begged her to send them to me. has she yet? of course not. so now she’s a whore too. and will be until i get them. IF i ever do.
and then yesterday we went to the renaissance festival with a bunch of friends. the festival was cool..lots of cool costumes and shows and music. totally something i could have a kick ass time at…except that w/in 20 mins of being there i dropped my camera and it broke. IT BROKE! i cried…i know its just a camera but to me its NOT just a camera…its my passion. my life line. my side kick for goodness sake! so there ARE pics but you know, no one has sent me any cuz they all take pleasure in seeing me suffer.
well actually in reality i’m sure they all just have lives and better things to do than email me pics right away. but i can’t grasp this cuz i upload my pics as soon as i can! so anyway i’m taking my camera to a shop tuesday to see if they can fix it. if they cant, it’ll be time to campaign to Hubs as to why i must buy a new one ASAP even though this current one is not even a year old. and we’re trying to sell our house. and we’re living paycheck to paycheck. and the other 100 reasons why i SHOULDNT buy a new camera now.
but the one reason i should…i wont be happy until i do.
so here’s some pics i DID get this weekend. 1 whole one of me and Hubs from the festival before the tragic accident and some of Nettie carving her pumpkin. taken with my crappy camera phone. ugh, dont even get me started.
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