*Cries*
today we had to cancel our trip to see jenn and chris and the wedding we were gonna go to. very long story with lots of reasons that just popped up this week that i’m not able to mention here that are not limited to but include Nettie being sick with an ear infection…and thats not even the MAIN reason why. im very sad, very upset, bitter, hostile, did i mention sad?
so i’m taking a moment to sulk. maybe a few days to sulk. because we all know how effin excited i was about this trip.
we might go to san antonio instead this weekend though to sorta make up for it…IF we can find things cheap enough. and IF Nettie’s feeling better. we’ll see.
*sigh*
It’s just one of those days
i know you all have them. days where everything on earth totally sucks to you. thats how today has been for me. i’ve been so depressed all day…over the same crap that always gets me down. selling this stupid house…money…relationships….my mom being sick….my dad being gone which btw i’m still dealing with even though in a million years i never would have thought would be an issue to me…and the latest—our stupid home owners association sending us notice after notice about this stupid oil stain in our driveway from when matts truck used to leak it. they’re threatening to hire attorneys and take legal action if we cant get it up. problem is we can’t get it up. we’ve gotten it lighter…and we’re trying a power washer tomorrow. if that doesn’t work, i dunno. I DONT FREAKIN KNOW. about anything anymore. *sigh* i realize that people have bigger problems in life. i know this. but morgan once told me that problems are relative- that donald trump is pissed off if he doesn’t make a million in a day…that oprah is pissed off if her limo is late…and i’m pissed off because of that stupid stain. and that its ok for me to be mad and i shouldn’t feel guilty because yes there are people with bigger problems but these are still my problems. so tonite i’m totally caving into the sulking. i have all day. and it sucks.
6 years
its been 6 years since 911. i can’t believe its gone by so fast. i spent most of that day with Hubs…wondering if we’d ever get back to normal. and really, we havent. we’re as normal as we can be. but things will never be the same. to all the people who lost their lives and all their families—-i will never EVER forget.
Daddy issues
so my dads death has been alot harder on me than i thought it would. and i’ve not blogged about it really because i’ve been trying to sort things out in my head before i put it all down here. we weren’t close. everyone knew this. we both knew it. and i honestly for some crazy reason thought that my dad dying wasn’t gonna be a huge life changing ordeal for me when it happened. i couldn’t have been more wrong. i some how forgot that hello, i’m human. and yeah, he’s my dad. its gonna hurt. alot. and its not so much regret or guilt…we made our peace and had the best relationship we could have had the past year. but its moreso just the fact that he’s gone. i wont hear him play his guitar anymore..Nettie will never hear him play….he wont be at our christmas functions anymore…i wont see him when i go home to visit anymore…he’s really actually gone. 2 weeks ago it finally did hit me and i sobbed my eyes out for a while. and after that i felt alot better but the pain is still there. i guess its the fact that i’ve lost a parent…the person thats responsible for my being here…i’ve never lost someone so closely related to me before and i just had no idea how it would impact me. then i got even more upset because i looked for hours for pictures of me and my dad or my dad and Nettie and i came up with like 3 of me and him, 2 from my wedding and one of him and Nettie when she was 2 months old. that made me so sad because i couldn’t believe that i didn’t have more pictures of him with us. and i have to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault that our relationship was the way it was and thats why i didn’t have tons of pictures. and that in itself upsets me because i guess him being gone means that there’s no more chances to work further on us. its just like we were going 100 mph down this road to improvement and then all of a sudden the road drops off suddenly into a ravine. he died so suddenly with no time for anyone to say anything to him before he went. and i’m just glad i told him i loved him when i did. still wish i could have one last time before he went into surgery. it’s gonna take some time to heal, i’ve now realized. i’ve never had a death impact me so much…its all new to me.
Back home
i’m finally back home and back to work after my sudden trip to ohio. and i’m doing much better now. thank you for all your kind comments and well wishes. i took my dad’s death harder than i thought actually. i guess because its been a LONG time since i’ve remembered the good times i’ve had with my dad. and it made me sad because whereas before his death i thought i had a handful of good times–in his death i realized i actually have many more good times and great memories that i had forgotten about. i realized what amazing friends and family i have though through all of this…and i’m so grateful for you all.
being up there wasn’t ALL sad though…it was a mini family reunion on my side AND matts side just being able to see everyone again. and while my dad is gone, i know he’s in a better place and isn’t suffering anymore. thats the most important part to me.
Speechless
my dad died this morning. on my birthday. he went in for a liver transplant that i was not made aware of and he died in surgery. i’m just sorta at a loss for words right now because its still such a shock to me. i’m so grateful that we made amends mostly last month. because i have no regrets. and no guilt. its still effin sad though…he is my dad. so i’m leaving in the morning…Hubs and Nettie too…we’ll be in ohio til this weekend. just wanted to let yall know.
xo
Hm
well still no passport. heh. they assured Hubs it would be here by thursday. well i’m sure it wont be. what else is new.
so my dad is supposed to get a liver transplant. like w/in a year or else they dont think he’ll live much longer. my dramatic sister, R, is considering giving him part of her liver. yes, this would be my partier, drinks and smokes alot sister (hoping she wont be healthy enough for this kinda surgery). and while i think thats noble of her and stuff—i feel like since my dad put himself in that spot its not worth one of us dying to get him out of it. my sister asked me if i wanted to be tested for transplant and i said nope in less than a second. i have to think about Nettie and my future as her mother. i can’t be putting myself at risk for my dad. it sounds horrible but i just cant. and i begged my sister to not do it either. she’s only 24. and she could have lifetime complications from this. i got into it with my dad last week about explaining why i think she shouldn’t do it and trying to understand how he could put his own daughter through something like this. and then i realized that duh, how could he NOT ask her. he’s been selfish his whole life. he’s never been a great dad or a good influence. of course he’d want his kid on the operating table to fix his mistakes. well im still paying for my dads mistakes. i sure as heck am not gonna get sliced open for them. yes, i forgave him for all the things he did in my past. but rest assured, and i told my sister this too, that if anything went wrong and she was hurt in any way or even lost her life for this….well i can’t even begin to think of what i would think or even do. i would not forgive him for it. yeah we dont get along great at all. but she’s still my younger sister. and i still am appalled and disgusted with my father right now that he would even consider this. i’d never ask my kids to go through major surgery to save me from a position i put myself into. i just dont see how he justifies it but then again he justifies everything else he did in his life. why not this too? my sister is still undecided. i told her i was gonna nag her and beg her til she changed her mind. and if she actually DOES go through with it–well i’ll be making a trip home to be there. if something DID go wrong, i’d hate myself for not being there for my mom. and moreso…if my mom had to be put through something like that, as sick as she already is—i can’t even think about that right now. *sigh*
Subscribe
You Know You Want It
I support
