Chris Rock has this joke in which he says “You know that guy in the club? He’s not old, but just a little too old to be in the club.” I’ve heard it a few times and I’ve laughed each time because we ALL know that person. The one we look at when we’re sipping our drink thinking “Um, seriously?” And we giggle or stare or just wonder what they’re thinking. This past weekend we were at this little dive bar close to home and it’s cool because it floats on the water. In front of it there are boat slips so people that have been out all day on their boats, most of them already drunk when they arrive, park their boats and come in for night caps or to hear the live band. This was my first time at this place but I thought it was pretty cool and the band was good and there wasn’t a ton of 21 year olds (I can’t stand to be in a bar or club filled with people that age. I just can’t) so we stayed for a while.

After about an hour of being there this older man, probably in his 50s, comes in. I only noticed him because he came stumbling over and said something to us like hi or how are you and then went on his merry way. About 2 minutes after that this lady comes in and I immediately noticed her. She had to have been the same age as him but dressed like she was 25. She had on a bikini top and short shorts. Right away I whispered to The Man that she was way too old to be dressing like that especially in a bar. We giggled and watched her with that man and then all of a sudden I felt this feeling in my gut. It felt like I had been punched.

See, The Man always jokes with me and says that men don’t get old, they get wise. That saying insinuates that women DO in fact get old while men don’t. I always smirk at him or roll my eyes but in that moment, it all became clear to me. I kind of think this is true! The man and woman were the same age and yet I thought he was totally cool to be there and thought this woman was out of place. The Man insists it’s because of how she was dressed and if she had on regular clothes I wouldn’t have paid much attention to her either. There is some truth to this. HOWEVER….I feel like when we are in our 50s he’s gonna still be hot and cool and won’t look out of place in a bar whereas I will look my age and young girls will think ” WTF is she doing in here!?”. Omg. I never want to be that lady. But at that age I will want to go out still, right? My kids will be grown. We’ll be retired. That’s all we’ll want to do is travel and go out and have fun. It was a harsh realization and probably a dumb one (fueled by vodka)..but one I had nonetheless.

A few of my friends had/have a problem turning 30. I have no problem with 30 at all. I’m content with where my life is and I’ve accomplished most of the major goals I wanted to accomplish before I was 30, BEFORE I turned 30. I’ve joked that 35 is probably gonna hit me hard and that it’ll be my last birthday. 35 is a good, solid age. Not too young and naive. Not old at all. Women say sex peaks for us in our 30s. My girls will be teenagers and independant. We’ll be able to go on dates whenever we want without having a sitter. I look forward to my 30s. And so I told The Man this again at the end of the night. Lots of people turn 21 5 times. Or turn 29 10 times. Not me. I’m going to go the extra mile and get to 35.

After that, I’m done.

*This post brought to you by random, insecure, shallow, drunken thoughts.*

The good in Hannah shines through just when I need it to. I’m grateful for this because sometimes I have to be reminded that my child IS good and IS sweet and not always the crazed 7 year old I think she is or make her out to be. I went through some old blog posts and found these gems from when she was younger.

4 years old:

me: aw Nettie I love you so much
her: I love you too.
me: You’re such a beautiful little woman
her: *nods*
me: You’re my precious little baby
her: And you’re a grown up.

5 years old: (on me getting pregnant)

“mama, do you have a baby in your belly yet?”

“nope honey not yet”

“well I hope God puts one in there soon and I hope it’s a girl. If it’s a boy, that won’t be right”

“um, it would be right. whatever God wants to put in there is what’s right. He doesn’t make mistakes”

“but I ordered a girl!”

I remember having these talks with her and I’m so glad I put them here to look back on. We used to lay in bed at night and just talk before we went to bed. I need to start doing that again. I miss how we used to be.

And as promised, a HAPPY Hannah in her dance stuff.

Let’s hope this lasts!

And my poor baby girl…she’s all sicky and yucky. She’s getting better little by little daily but I still hate to see her all mopey and whiney.

She still finds time to be cute though because she can’t help it. I speak the truth.

So my week is going better now and I’m SO thankful for all of your input and ideas. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without this online community that I’m a part of. I’m truly blessed.

Yesterday I picked Hannah up from dance. I got to watch her dance for 15 minutes before she was done. She was smiling and laughing and dancing. I stood there and got sad because she dances so beautifully and it really upsets me that she THINKS she wants to quit. I honestly think she would miss it if she did. When she got out of class I asked her how it went and she told me it was fun and she missed her friends and she was excited to start her solo lessons up next week for competition. I asked her if she still wanted to quit and she blurts out “Yeah, I do.” The kid confuses me. I think SHE’S confused to be honest. In my heart I want her to finish this month and tell me “YES MOM! I wanna keep dancing!” but I have a feeling she’ll change her mind. Guess we’ll see. Either way, she’s dancing for September. When we got home last night I took pictures of her in her little dance outfit. I OF COURSE forgot to bring my camera today to show them to you so that’ll be waiting til tomorrow. But I feel like some progress was made last night. The Man and I had ANOTHER talk with her and reminded her how she’s SUPPOSED to reply to us when we ask her something. We also told her she’ll be grounded from playing with our neighbor if she can’t behave. This, in her world, is the most detrimental thing that could happen to her. We had to go drastic because she is unphased by going to her room or having her DS taken away or taking away TV/movies. But taking away her bff? Bingo. And after that talk? Things were peachy keen. If she raised her voice, we’d just give her a look and she’d say “I’m sorry” and change her tone. I see it’s going to take baby steps but I’m willing to take those baby steps with her to undo years of behavior because I love her. And she really is quite fabulous, diva attitude and all.

Well, the healing I was so craving for the weekend didn’t exactly take place. Things with Hannah remained exactly the same. I’ve decided that I need to just really pray about this and continue to seek guidance from people who have been there/done that as far as motherhood is concerned because it’s quite apparent that whatever ideas I have suck. HAH. I’m trying to make light of this because I’m mentally exhausted. It’s now come down to pulling Hannah from dance because I pay A LOT for her to have this hobby that she used to love. Keyword being USED. I fought her a lot last year and I just decided that lately with her attitude and issues that if she’s going to be ungrateful and NOT even want to dance…why bother?! You know? I paid for September so she’ll at least dance for this month. Then we’ll reevaluate. Her staying in dance is my dream…not hers. It’s hard for me to accept this. But I will. And so after a weekend of arguing over that and a few other routine things I got NO pictures of her. “Mom, don’t take ANY pictures of me. I’m not in the mood.”

Except for this tiny moment on Saturday. “MOM! Get a picture of me and Sassie!”

*sigh*

I know we will overcome this. We will get to the other side of this HUGE mountain sometime (soon I hope) and I’ll look back and be able to make a list of all the lessons we BOTH learned. I’m looking forward to that day.

And then Livie got sick. Her nose started running Saturday evening and by yesterday she had a full on, raging cold complete with lots of this

and only a few moments of this

So to sum this all up? I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. BUT I’m determined to change this. I’m determined to change my focus and instead of everything being out of focus right now…I’m gonna rotate my lens of life and get this thing in check. I don’t like a hazy view of my life. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing what the fuck I’m doing and wondering if my children are conspiring against me. They aren’t. And I’m not an idiot. I’m not a clueless moron attempting motherhood. I AM a good mom. I will prove this to my girls.

And to myself.

Last night was probably one of the most trying nights I’ve ever had as a mother. When I think of my previous hectic or crazy nights they had to do with screaming babies, or puke, or diahrrea or temper tantrums or homework or most NORMAL things that mothers have a hard time with. But last night was different. Last night was mentally taxing for me. I can’t get into much detail about it but to look at my 7 year old and realize she’s NOT a baby anymore and that parts of her that I can’t control might have to do with me not paying attention enough…or not dedicating enough time…or WHATEVER it is that I’m lacking as a mother…well it shattered my heart. And it’s still shattered today. I realized last night that I will never EVER have all the answers. I’ve always known this…but last night I lived it. I cried. I shook. I looked to the ceiling and prayed. I called The Man. I called his mom. I called my neighbor. I called people that I knew would listen and give me good advice. And yet today, while I feel better, I’m still lost. It’s a very hopeless feeling as a mom when you feel like you don’t know how to handle your child or what to tell them or do for them to make things better or change things. And so with a heavy heart I welcome the weekend because I know that weekends bring healing for me. This morning through puffy eyes I looked in the mirror and told myself that it’s Friday…and that even though I just got lotion in my eye and it was burning (and STILL is 6 hours later) today was going to be ok. And this weekend was going to be ok. And Hannah was going to be ok. We all are GOING to be ok. I trust God for direction…I trust my VERY loved family for direction. And when I look at these pictures I took last night I tear up because I took them in the middle of the chaos….after I knew I had to talk to her but before I actually did. See, she got her new glasses yesterday and she was so excited. She’s been asking for the whole 2 weeks it took to get them in when they were coming in.

She was so excited for me to come home from work to show me and actually didn’t fight me to take pictures of her in them because, after all, they “make her look smart.”

“Take a picture of me thinking, Mama!”

Hannah, you ARE smart and you DO think and I know things are going to get better from here on out. I love you.

And so I thank God for Livie because she’s 1 and a 1/2 and my hardest struggle with her is the fact that she doesn’t sleep and makes my house look like a hurricane swept through. I find myself secretly wishing for her to be like 3 so she could be potty trained and talking and able to do more on her own. But not last night. Last night I embraced her age and her innocence and I will continue to.

She’s been loving the phone lately. She picks it up and says “Hello?” and then she’ll talk and laugh and use crazy hand motions and then suddenly say “BYE!” and put the phone on the floor. Then she’ll start the whole process over again. It’s to die for and so freakin cute. I love her.

Last night was definitely a life out of focus night for me. I get used to our routine and even the normal things that throw me off like I said before I can handle. Sure, sleepless nights because of Livie suck but I’m used to it. Fighting with Hannah to write her spelling words sucks but I’m used to it. And then there are hazy, fuzzy, out of focus nights like last night that derail me. I’m grateful for The Man and his family and my babies for picking me up and putting me back on track again.